Something Is Very Wrong

You said you feel like “A misshapen gear unable to mesh with the other cogs in the works.”
Most people feel that way, but for some of us, we seem to believe this earlier in life and that shapes us somehow. Once we become self-aware in that way, we automatically become “other” looking at the dynamic from outside the group.

You also said, “Most people are driven to work towards their goals, to make their mark in the world, to fight for what they believe is right.”
Some people have an inner drive, no question about it, but I don’t believe that most people have in interest in making a mark on the world, necessarily. Sure, some people are goal oriented, but others are people oriented. What you’re bemoaning is that you don’t feel driven in either way?

As for not wanting to fight for a cause, it can be that you haven’t found the right cause or that your particular skill set doesn’t meet your criteria for “fighting”. Sometimes fighting for what’s right can be as simple as making a donation to a charity or picking up trash off the street or donating books and clothes and such.

You said, “It’s all so rigid, and yet eternally moving at a breakneck pace. Like a freight train.” It is overwhelming. Although I like to stay informed, all those external voices and opinions coupled with one’s own questioning mind can translate to overload of thoughts, perceptions, ideas, emotions.

That last paragraph of wishing for death, hating oneself, and wanting an escape from the constant external and internal noise is deeply relatable. But nothing really is required of you at this exact moment. The goals and aspirations, the decisions about what is right–none of it requires our immediate action or attention. You don’t have to carry it 24/7. Maybe give yourself an information-free respite from the world.

You seem like you’d be an interesting person to hang out with, which leaves me to wonder if you are just trying to fit in the wrong social construct. Maybe your cog is in the wrong mechanism.