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Something Is Very Wrong

by LiquidHuman

Something is seriously wrong with me.

I always knew that. Even as a kid, I knew I was fucked in the head. With no other way of explaining it, I deduced that I was actually a demon. I know that’s not the case now. I’m just broken. No, broken would imply that I was able to process the world properly at one point. I’m not broken. I’m dysfunctional. A misshapen gear unable to mesh with the other cogs in the works.

Most people are driven to work towards their goals, to make their mark in the world, to fight for what they believe is right. I don’t. Activism upsets me, change terrifies me, and my ideals are there one day and gone the next. Nothing I am is set in stone. I’m too easily swayed, too quickly convinced I’m in the wrong. At this point, what is right or wrong anymore? Who dictates it? God, society, psychology? Maybe, maybe, and maybe. My brain wraps around concepts and unravels at counterpoints, to the point where I legitimately don’t believe anything anymore. I’m eternally passive towards politics and things of the like. After all, my opinions are dust in the wind, flying out of sight the second they reach the open air.

It’s come to the point where I’m bitter towards those with set goal, set morals, set aspirations. But even more so, I’m bitter towards myself. I don’t feel as though I belong with anyone who I’m dictated to side with. Not with women, not with people of my race, not with Christians, not with the LGBT community. It’s all so rigid, and yet eternally moving at a breakneck pace. Like a freight train. If I stand in the way, I’ll be run over on the tracks.

I want to be dead. Because as of right now, death is my only constant aspiration. Why stay? I hate myself, and if I have to reside on this earth of constant noise any longer, I’ll soon grow to hate everyone else.

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3 comments

Cause of Death: Suicide 7/15/2019 - 3:32 am

I have a set goal for 15 years now, it has been to commit suicide and die young. I was supposed to had committed by gunshot on the very day I turned 18… but that was 7 years ago. Ive been praying on nothing other than the day I finally get to end my horrifying life.

SweetQuietus 7/15/2019 - 8:34 am

You said you feel like “A misshapen gear unable to mesh with the other cogs in the works.”
Most people feel that way, but for some of us, we seem to believe this earlier in life and that shapes us somehow. Once we become self-aware in that way, we automatically become “other” looking at the dynamic from outside the group.

You also said, “Most people are driven to work towards their goals, to make their mark in the world, to fight for what they believe is right.”
Some people have an inner drive, no question about it, but I don’t believe that most people have in interest in making a mark on the world, necessarily. Sure, some people are goal oriented, but others are people oriented. What you’re bemoaning is that you don’t feel driven in either way?

As for not wanting to fight for a cause, it can be that you haven’t found the right cause or that your particular skill set doesn’t meet your criteria for “fighting”. Sometimes fighting for what’s right can be as simple as making a donation to a charity or picking up trash off the street or donating books and clothes and such.

You said, “It’s all so rigid, and yet eternally moving at a breakneck pace. Like a freight train.” It is overwhelming. Although I like to stay informed, all those external voices and opinions coupled with one’s own questioning mind can translate to overload of thoughts, perceptions, ideas, emotions.

That last paragraph of wishing for death, hating oneself, and wanting an escape from the constant external and internal noise is deeply relatable. But nothing really is required of you at this exact moment. The goals and aspirations, the decisions about what is right–none of it requires our immediate action or attention. You don’t have to carry it 24/7. Maybe give yourself an information-free respite from the world.

You seem like you’d be an interesting person to hang out with, which leaves me to wonder if you are just trying to fit in the wrong social construct. Maybe your cog is in the wrong mechanism.

NotAnEdgyName 7/16/2019 - 1:48 pm

im also eternally passive. i dont give a fuck what happens to me at this point. as long as i dont have to do anything.

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