im dead i think

Why am I so angry? i inhaled a shit ton of incense smoke because i read that the fumes can make you feel high. i want vodka, but we’re out. i cut myself today & wow that was invigorating. i havent cut in quite a while actually. i dont wanna talk, i dont wanna live, i dont want to feel shit anymore. i wanna make myself bleed; i wanna tear myself apart. does anyone ever feel like that? my therapist said i should vent my feelings in writing so here i go! my music is so loud my ears are ringing haha and i see these red lines going vertical down my arms & wrist; why wont it stop? why cant i just make it stop? i want someone to make it stop, i want him iut of the house; i want him gone. im scared he’ll rape his girlfriend. im scared he’ll burst into my room and finish the job, rape me brutally andkill me. i lock my door and keep a knife that my moms ex boyfriend gave me. i hate you, i hate him, i hate him so much. i cant cry, can someone just let me cry. he killed me; im dead. i dont even know who i am; and i hate him. he took eveything away from me; he took my life, he kileld me when i was 5: he kept killing me til i was 6. i cant tell anyone i cant tell anyone because my family will be tore apart. i dont want to be a rape victim; i didnt ask for it. i dont want my dad knowig i was raped, or my other brother knowing. ill just be known as the filthy fucking rape victim. the filthy girl who was raped by her own brother. im fucking used; my virginity was takena way when i was 5… im just used. im disguted when i look at myself; when i look at my body and my legs and my arms because all i can see is the little girl. i used to be assertive, confident, why did it all come rushing back. why did he use me. where is god? where is god? everyone says god exists but where is he? does he know what he did to me? i cant breath i cant fucking breath i hear him going upstairs how can he just walk.