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Too Close

by 404

I shouldn’t have gotten close to people. I shouldn’t have allowed them a chance to care. What was I thinking? Now all I do is cause them pain.
I wish someone would hold a gun to my head and pull the trigger.


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Soda 9/9/2019 - 10:19 pm

People aren’t perfect and I’m sure the people you have gotten close with have caused pain to others. However they’ve chosen to be close to you because they probably care and want to help.

Remember if they do get sick of it they can always leave. Sounds to me they just want to see you feel better.

Hope Dream Love 9/10/2019 - 1:44 am

“Feel better” doesn’t exist for me. I’ve gone past the point of a depression I can talk myself out of. (Basically the self hate thought and just constantly saying you’re wrong or however that works) I have hallucinations and disorders the make life confusing and difficult. I couldn’t even decide if I wanted ie cream. I’ll never be able to live on my own and I would love that. Not living on my own but the ability to. I’ve never lived alone and I know I could if it wasn’t for these stupid disorders. Plus there’s my physical problems. My back is in constant pain. To put simply nerves are being pinched in my lower back so my entire body hurts at times. I have headaches everyday. Typically minor ones but there’s more than enough “hit my head off a wall” ones. I just can’t and I don’t want to. And I don’t think I can be blamed for that at this point.

Hope Dream Love 9/10/2019 - 1:49 am

Oh and not that it completely matters but im 20 so that’s an awful lot of suffering to have a natural death like they please.
And I left out that my past plays like a movie in my mind all the time. “Hey remember…..” Yes I do go away now. And the occasional voices. And…..i could probably go on I was pretty vague in my first comment.

Soda 9/11/2019 - 4:52 pm

Sorry to here Hope, I’ve had my own share of back pain and headaches/migraines and I know how much suffering that can cause.

For myself there is very little I will tolerate from this life anymore since I’ve suffered an enormous amount over the years with very little to show for it.

I’m still somewhat optimistic about life, the beautiful girls that have come and gone through my life have made it worth living but that isn’t enough. I seek some stability and want to reach a certain level and so far I’ve still been struggling without making real progress.

If my health goes down the tubes, if I can’t make ends meet or if life just continues to spiral downwards then at some point I will say enough is enough and head for the exit.

Everyone has to decide for themselves how much misery/pain they’re willing to put up with until they decide to give up as well. Some people get lucky and sail through life in bliss and others get a bad deal like some of us here. The hardest thing to do is to let go of living since we’re designed to survive.

As for living on your own, perhaps you could live next door to your family so you can always get help. I’m not one of those people who could live by myself. Sure occasionally I don’t mind just have the place to myself but it helps having someone there, even if it’s not the ideal person.

Hope Dream Love 9/11/2019 - 5:40 pm

Live next door? I’m not exactly a princess that can afford 2 homes lol. And I don’t have family anyhow. My grampy is in another province. And I live with my husband. That’s all I have.

Soda 9/12/2019 - 2:49 am

Lol, I hear you, just tossing out ideas.

thehusk 9/10/2019 - 6:23 am

I think living without being able to be close to people can make life feel unbearable in other ways. So it’s entirely understandable that you’d want to do that while you’re still here.

As long as you’re ‘voting with your feet’ by choosing to remain alive, I suppose it makes sense to allow people in. You could always be more clear about your issues near the start, so they know what they’re getting involved with. If you’re seriously/actively planning to end your life, then I guess that’s different.

Hope Dream Love 9/10/2019 - 7:48 am

I’m on the fence. I would love to live a happy life in my little home with my husband and my bakery but all this (vaguely explained in my comment to soda) is unbearable and I want it to end.

thehusk 9/10/2019 - 8:30 am

On the fence is a difficult spot to be. Only we can decide whether our pain is worth enduring (provided we’re of consistent mind.) But I would say that a life without the ability to be close to people makes such pain far harder to endure. If you’ve got nothing positive to suffer for then suffering is magnified in the mind.

Hope Dream Love 9/10/2019 - 9:32 am

I have people that care but I don’t want them to. I want them gone. I just keep hurting them and I’m tired of it but stupid depression .

rocketman 9/10/2019 - 9:37 am

To late! Your stuck πŸ™‚ Things will get better.

Hope Dream Love 9/10/2019 - 9:39 am

I hope you’re right. I know I’ve been trying.

rocketman 9/10/2019 - 9:40 am

Keep it up! Things come for those that try πŸ™‚

Hope Dream Love 9/10/2019 - 9:44 am

It doesn’t seem that way. Every time I turn around I’m getting stabbed in the back. (One time literally by my little brother with a paring knife. He was going through a thing lol)

rocketman 9/10/2019 - 9:55 am

I had a sparkler on the 4th of July and I was sword fighting with it and stab my sister! Needless to say my dad beat my ass!

Hope Dream Love 9/10/2019 - 10:03 am

Yeah those hurt. I accindently touched one or let it burn too low. Something like that anyway point of the story is it was painful.

rocketman 9/10/2019 - 10:10 am

You know your right! I burned myself once with one too it was painful like no other burn.

Hope Dream Love 9/10/2019 - 10:16 am

An unexplain pain is what that causes lol

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