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Who am i?

by anunknowngirl
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Who am I?

currently in the bathroom, holding the razor in my hand trying not to cut, i’m eighty-something days clean and i can’t do it anymore. i’m not who i am anymore, i don’t even know myself anymore. it hurs, it really does, the pain i cause myself is more painful than the pain this razor causes. i’m. a. monster. and i can’t help but think of it every single day, think of how much i’ve changed and how much everyone i know hates it, hates ME, hates who i became. i want the old me back, please. i’ll do anything, but please don’t let me live every day with this ***** who i don’t even recognize and WILL NEVER recognize no matter what i do. my beliefs, behaviors, mindest, the way i talk, i laugh, my priorities, they’re all different now and they all changed so fast i can’t even get the hang of any of them anymore, gosh i’m suffering more than ever.

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Cause of Death: Suicide 9/13/2019 - 9:49 am

I like myself but I have always hated everyone I have ever met, seen… my wishes are just so simple. I’ve been planning to kill myself by shotgun to the head for the last 15 years, I was r*ped as a small child 15 years ago so that might be a part of it. I’ve started getting r*ped again frequently. It actually started happening again after I got my shotgun – the essential part to my largest dream and only wishes when a random stranger stopped me before I could have my eternal peace and wish fulfilled……so I’ve started to break my own bones, I’ve started to smash my head against concrete, I haven’t actually took a razor blade to my wrists yet or killed myself in a way other than the long awaited and ever after planned shotgun to head…. though I do have charcoal and bricks ready for the next time I am r*ped while I sleep to kill myself on short notice …

Soda 9/13/2019 - 11:57 am

You might want to read my post below. Hurting yourself might make your life more difficult. Hitting your head against the wall probably won’t help you achieve your goal, more likely you’ll be hospitalized or end up paralyzed and so you’ll be stuck in your situation and have no physical way to change it.

I keep myself healthy so that if I do decide to end my life someday, at least my arms/legs/mind are functional so I can get gather the tools I need to pull it off. Our medical system is set up to keep people alive as long as possible, they don’t care about suffering or giving people a way out of a bad life, so it’s up to us.

I know many people carry a lot of pain inside from a bad life they’ve had, but harming yourself will only make things worse in the long term. Only by staying healthy can you always have control over body and your own life.

If my life got so bad and I had no way to end it except by jumping in a lake with a rock tied to my legs, then I’d still need working hands/legs to pull off that simple act and then I’d be free from this life. Though I plan to use the bag mthd, if/when I decide to end it.

Cause of Death: Suicide 9/13/2019 - 3:36 pm

I just started harming myself after I started getting my independence taken from me … I slammed my head against the ground for the first time when I was in the mental hospital for the 4th time. I don’t know who put me in there but I couldn’t believe they would do that to me again, I was put in a week long medically induced coma – ketamine hole – the second time they sent me to the mental hospital for reaching out about suicidal ideation, whereafter I gained 50 pounds in three months on a soul-sucking med. or from brain damage, from the ketamine, haldol, Ativan, Benadryl induced coma. (This was all because I was selling a phone because I had received a new cell phone.) then the third time they put me in the mental hospital, I was raped on my 23rd day there while I was asleep, and put on the same med and gained 20 more pounds in two more months – went from normal to obese because of that, so the fourth time, I just couldn’t believe it – I started tearing off my skin and slamming my head against the ground when I was alone in my room and hearing the drone of all the stupid loons yowling outside of my door. I’d worry about continuing to slam my head against the wall and on the floors, but I know they’ve practically murdered me already and I am completely numb inside. I would be dead already if I had the nerve and could make any action to committing. Well I used to be healthy and walk ten miles a day now I can’t really walk anymore and like I already said I get sexually molested and raped at least once every two weeks.

Soda 9/13/2019 - 3:56 pm

Isn’t there anyone you can complain to about the rape/abuse? I really feel for your situation but if I was in your shoes I’d try to show that I’m cured or do whatever is needed to get out of that place.

The more you hurt yourself, the more they’ll control and constrain you, the worse your situation will get. You’re still fairly young, do you want to remain institutionalized for the rest of your life?

You seem smart enough to know how to get out of this situation. So long as you’re in that place you won’t have any freedom to do what you want which includes ending your life as they won’t allow it.

If that happened to me I’d do whatever I could to leave that place and then either try to rebuild my life or look into other options.

Cause of Death: Suicide 9/13/2019 - 9:52 am

I forgot to put I haven’t actually started slashing my wrists yet, but I do bite and try to tear the skin off my arms

Soda 9/13/2019 - 11:47 am

I’ve read that those who self-harm might have a chemical imbalance so perhaps you might need to see a psychiatrist, maybe they have drugs to control those impulses.

I also understand some people do it as a form of self-punishment, for hurting others in the past or for mistakes that you’ve made. Even if you are suicidal my advice is to think deeply and long term over your actions today.

For instance you could end up getting institutionalized for self-harm. They could put you in straight-jackets and padded rooms. The last thing I’d want personally is to be controlled by weirdos and strangers who could end up harming you more than what you’d do to yourself.

So the first thing you want to do is keep your freedom/independence. Second you need your body to be fairly healthy. Imagine if you damage important nerves or muscles and lose the function of your arms/limbs. Then you’d be dependent on other people to look after you. If you planned to end your life you couldn’t because you’d probably be partially paralyzed and bed-ridden.

Maybe one day you feel better and decide you want to work and improve your life-but that can’t happen unless you are fully functional. I’d suggest channeling your impulses towards something productive like exercise or get a punching bag. There are better ways to deal with one’s personal issues.

I have had many experiences that have made me angry at other people or myself. I know I can’t do anything to change those events so I just learn from them and try to do better in the future. Also after I’ve thought of them I distract myself with youtube or going out since sometimes it’s just unproductive to dwell on those mistakes in our past.

rocketman 9/13/2019 - 12:38 pm

You are Anunknowngirl ! Wait a minute! Your right your unknown!!

If you changed then you can change again if you want.

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