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Heads

by ElElyon

The coin expressed that the time for waiting is over. I have not decided whether I will die today, but regardless a sign of the end finally arrived; I find that to be slightly more comforting than the thought alone of bleeding out. At least Hell won’t await me on the other side: I will finally be leaving it. I just hope a worse Hell doesn’t await me beyond this one. As for the rest of you, I hate all of you honestly; I really don’t want anybody to reply to this, and I hope it is deleted alongside this worthless throwaway account: This website itself is worthless, offering links to the likes of the Samaritans, which is great if you don’t want help, or anything at all. It’s great if a pat on the back and, “I also think you should kill yourself” is all you want to hear. It also offers links to the suicide hotline, which is great if you like being tied down for days at a time and tortured.  I get why such segments exist for those stuck permanently in ideation, but do you think anyone who actually wishes to die cares at all about rules against expressing hatred, or that if they just call a hotline everything will be okay? I certainly hope you aren’t that stupid. Goodbye; if I’m lucky, I will never have to see a bastion of false hope like this one ever again.

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29 comments

WaitLonger 10/21/2019 - 10:08 am

That’s a lot of effort put into creating a facade of such hatred. Someone who actually wishes to die would not care about making such a post at all. However, someone who desperately wants attention would. And that’s okay.

Life has been cruel and painful, and you want others to know that. We know. I doubt that this post will be taken down; it’s really what this site was made for, in my opinion. It’s not to prevent suicide nor aid it, it’s simply here to document the thoughts that take place in the minds of people who are suffering and have contemplated suicide. Too bad you made the mistake of seeing it as a bastion of hope, that must sting (seems like it did, evidently).

hope432 10/22/2019 - 4:48 pm

” I just hope a worse Hell doesn’t await me beyond this one. ”

It’s ok to complain about Samaritans. They lack true wisdom, especially helping suicidal people like you.

Yes, a worse Hell will truly await you.

Yes, you are a complainer.

Yes, God does love you but you are immersed in self-hatred and perhaps lots of shame…

I am sorry.

You should work on your life bit by bit and improve it somehow daily. Find something which brings you relief even if it’s going to some stupid church or smoking tobacoo.

hope432 10/24/2019 - 9:45 am

” false hope”

I am Hope. I am thankful for the existence of this website. 🙂 Peace :X

ElElyon 10/24/2019 - 10:21 am

You, in your presumptions, misunderstand a number of things, just like the arrogant one above you who wishes to presume they know me intimately. Since you’ve gone above and beyond to reply to a passage that specifically requested you not do that thing, and two times on different days at that, I’ll elucidate you on what you’re wrong about. This site referred to itself as a place of hope – those were not my words, but if all they mean is that you reside here, that has no meaning for me. I say it is a bastion of false hope because it will only hold people here – it will not heal them, and it will not alleviate their pain. I already smoke when I can, and I don’t like church; the architecture on most cathedrals is quite beautiful, however: The aesthetics of churches deserve compliment, but that’s ultimately irrelevant. You can call me a complainer, but the reality is that I left this breadcrumb trail to answer questions that my dead friends never answered for me before they left me behind; I didn’t mean to get distracted ranting about why I came to hate this website in my short time using it, but it happened. Most importantly, though, God isn’t real. God can’t be real. Please don’t be ridiculous. I use god’s name, Yahweh’s father’s name, as my own as a euphemism of sorts, “The God Most High.” I do not hate myself, and I don’t feel shame for what I’ve done to survive in a life abandoned, but I’m certain I will die with the blood of others’ on my hands as well. It is possible that will teach me shame, or humility, or some truer meaning for death, but I’m a sociopath; I doubt it will teach me anything more than my capacity. My hate is solely for the human race, but it is not an introspective thing. My hate is for being forced to be born in a country that mutilates hundreds of babies to death every year. My hate is for being forced to be born in a country that cares only for pampering the successful and putting people in a hierarchy of melanin count and genital structure that determines their place in the world and the human rights they deserve. My hate is for whatever, if any, god might stand by and idly do nothing while this happens to hundreds of millions. My hate is for failures and disappointments, of which god is both if he exists. Yet I? I am none of those things I hate. I am against doing things to people against their will. I am against putting people in a hierarchy of superiority and inferiority. I am against standing idly by and just watching. Yet, it doesn’t matter, my efforts to stop any of my problems with this world have been almost completely fruitless; I believe this world doesn’t deserve a savior, so the existence of any god or gods is meaningless. Yeshua never returned either because he was just a myth or because the human race has been judged unworthy of his return. What say ye?

It'll Be Ok 10/24/2019 - 11:56 am

The first part I’m not so sure about as I personally have helped people on this site to a better life however that aside because that’s not the part I really wanted to comment on. I must say I agree with the last part. One of my biggest reasons for ever wanting to end it is I couldn’t ever see myself being happy in a world that only thinks about itself. It doesn’t matter how many of my problems I fix. How many toxic people I avoid. There will always be toxic people. More so than good ones. And in some cases by the time your realize it, it’s too late. I don’t want to be a part of a world filled with crime and hate. There’s no place for inoccent people here anymore. It doesn’t seem to matter what country you’re in. They all have their own problems. Their own views on the world they force to the next generation. Free speech? Yep right up until you say something against the government. That’s all it is now. I’ll be honest I want to say have fun in your bubble but I don’t want to burst it. It’s best to realize that you can’t change the world on your own time.

hope432 10/24/2019 - 5:51 pm

You did blaspheme His name as Satan put you. Anyway, you should know that since a human being like me is capable of loving you and caring for you little as I can, God loves you far more than you can imagine.
Sociopath or not, so do you hate the Christian churches? OK. They are really silly most of them.
This website is a place where you can perform a good deed, help someone and perhaps avoid Hell, which yes it does exist and yes it’s much worse than your current life. It’s your fear of life and suffering which makes you suicidal and reject God. In truth Satan is the One who needs to remain locked in Hell, not you.

Rebuke the demon of suicide. There are many Christian churches even in America. So if you don’t like the silly Evangelical ones or the Protestant church in general, why not trying another one?

You need serious Christian rituals anyway to cleanse yourself of the demons of suicide, which are the worst ones.

No, you have not been forced to be born in your country. Read Near Death Experiences.

” I believe this world doesn’t deserve a savior, so the existence of any god or gods is meaningless. Yeshua never returned either because he was just a myth or because the human race has been judged unworthy of his return. What say ye?”

Yes, it deserves. Sinful as it really is, last night I saw hell. It wasn’t a vision. I was simply dragged by the demons towards hell out of my body when I slept and I started to feel the despair and the dread. I cried to God and I lacked enough faith to be honest and I did return to my body.
My mistakes resulted me to experience it. It was something positive because it made me pay more attention to the suffering of others as you also need to learn to.

Use this website and do a good deed. Say a kind word to someone no matter how fake you think it is or how dead you feel inside. Because you are already dead and in hell. And killing your own body won’t solve anything.

It'll Be Ok 10/24/2019 - 6:12 pm

idk about ElElyon but i know i personally will never believe in god. the entire thing makes no sense to me. i can start there. secondly, it is really nice that you love and care but the problem is the ratio between good and evil. there just isnt enough good to make it worth while.

ElElyon 10/24/2019 - 8:01 pm

You can call me a blasphemer, that is fine. I dislike your religion anyways; I can’t take poorly-translated Hebrew into Latin into English very seriously as a ‘holy’ text. I sympathize with the Morning Star more than any deity in the text – at least his love for mankind was genuine, not the kind an obsessive techie has for his favorite artificial intelligence. An equal, not a pet. As a being incapable of love, I don’t value yours, nor your god’s, and for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for that, but that’s reality. I am my own god, and while I don’t dislike the look of churches, I absolutely despise their service, yes. I have no desire to tether my being to a spirit even if such a thing exists, so I’ll do my best to avoid the archdaemon you worship- for any being of OMNIPOTENCE who is idle in the face of the suffering of hundreds of millions, even billions, of its children, is no being that fulfills any definition of the word, “Good.” In fact, I’d call that, “Evil.”

That said, Satan and God don’t exist. Yahweh is a fantasy; Yeshua never came back for any of you. I say that, assuming you ARE right, that means humanity is unworthy of a savior, and has been left to rot. If I’m right, he never existed in the first place, and yet there’s no practical difference in my interpretations – they just reflect our reality.

Churches perpetuate forced genital mutilation of children that I alluded to earlier, and I want nothing to do with an entity so goddamned evil it perpetuates the murder of newborn boys, so stop talking about it please, thanks.
Less politely: Fuck your christian rituals and your blood sacrifices.
If you’re REALLY paying attention to the suffering of others, do you know what I really want you to do? If you truly are a child of this ‘god’ and aren’t as evil as the rest of your brethren, go save a boy from the knife. Help stop the torture of infants. In my years of trying and debating, I’ve only had a part in saving two that I know of. Do HALF of what I have, and I will very genuinely consider what you have to say. But you’ll have to do it before I’m dead, that’s the catch.

hope432 10/24/2019 - 6:27 pm

It’s your despair and lack of health and vitality which talks. You don’t feel anymore love and life inside you.
You need to fix your health through prayers(even a desperate prayer will work in time) and herbal remedies(find a good health store).

You have no idea how attacked by evil you are. Pray to nothing, but do pray.

hope432 10/24/2019 - 6:31 pm

Look at me and my posts on this website. I stayed here for 5 years and I did recover from dread, unhealthy and sick thoughts. I am alive now.
I wish you find life and love as well. Praying for you.

I light a candle for the soul of the suicidal person above. And yes, God does know him intimately…

It'll Be Ok 10/24/2019 - 6:35 pm

you recovered and yet still here you are. in a place where depressed lonely people gather. also id really appreciate you not pushing you religion on me. my useless stepfather did enough of that growing up and i have my own religion thank you

ElElyon 10/24/2019 - 8:16 pm

I have to agree with the notion of someone recovered and frequenting a board dedicated to suicide notes doesn’t make sense. That said, I’ve studied theology as a personal interest, so I find the discussion of ancient Hebrew texts to be mildly interesting, but ultimately as pointless as Greek mythology. It could never be my anchor, because even if I took to believing in it, I simply hate God’s, Yahweh’s, character. He’s the worst. As a non-Jew who barely avoided being genitally mutilated(Ironically, thank Christ), the only fate awaiting me in that mythos is purgatory, which is better than Sheol or Elysium in my personal opinion, but ultimately just representative of the blackness of death.

That said, I hope your religion is nicer than Yahweh’s.
Personally, I opt to worship myself; that does wonders for the self-esteem, if that’s an issue anybody here has, but it won’t make you feel any better about the world around you, demonstrably: Fair warning.

hope432 10/25/2019 - 4:21 am

“I have to agree with the notion of someone recovered and frequenting a board dedicated to suicide notes doesn’t make sense.”

I don’t have friends(only one at university and some acquaintances). I have really recovered. And you have no idea how peaceful I feel as you are immersed in darkness and pain as I was.
I understand you are a Satanist if I am not wrong. I read Satanism too and felt that I can offer something to Lucifer… I can assure you that He doesn’t like humans. I felt the torture of his demons which do suck human energy.

If you are interested, we can talk. I can give you my email address.
Even blasphemies are forgiven. If you blaspheme against God and you say He doesn’t exist, it makes no sense…. it’s your soul devoid of any connection to life and God, which makes you say such a thing…

again.. If someone like me, a human being who walks the earth, is capable of having some compassion and love for you, how can you that God doesn’t forgive you and doesn’t love? You need to cleanse yourself.

Trust me, this world, sinful as it is, does need a Savior. Hell is dreadful.

Don’t turn your back to Life because it will cost you more. This is the worst thing you can do, not your disgusting blasphemy.

(you can criticize me and my religion, I won’t really feel offended, but beware of this disgusting blasphemies which damage your own soul).

It'll Be Ok 10/25/2019 - 6:33 am

You really have to stop forcing your religion on others. And if you really cared you’d understand that people have their own thoughts and views and you can’t make everyone be just like you in your happy little bubble.

ElElyon 10/25/2019 - 6:42 am

Friends are worthless – you shouldn’t feel bad about avoiding leeches.
The origins of my created faith are LaVeyan, and ultimately have a firm basis in atheism. The only gods that exist are those who fulfill the definition, “Object of worship” like Buddha, or Ghandi, or even myself, though I’ll grant you that I would need more worshipers to be taken seriously. My point was that, even if by some strange phenomenon you were 100% right, I still think I’ve made the right choice.

You can give me your email address right after you finish doing what I asked you to do. If you have no interest in stopping the perpetuated suffering of infants your deity seems to delight in, we have nothing to discuss because you, at your core, are a bad person who also desires to perpetuate that. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice – callous indifference. You have no such love you claim to. No compassion. You care only for yourself and getting into heaven, finding Elysium. Being forgiven. Your selfishness, your projection of compassion, disgusts me, because I believe that ultimately you only frequent this board out of your own fear of retribution like a thoroughly-abused child treats its guardian. Your god, too, has no such love or compassion, only selfishness and demands.

I never said this world didn’t need a savior – quite the opposite being as I laid out how thoroughly fucked it is. But it is never going to get one, because it is unworthy of one. Undeserving. It will be another need that goes ignored by your god. But not by me, because I’m a *better person* than he is, and that’s the primary reason I could never worship your archdaemonic prince. That you’ve entirely ignored what I’ve asked of you is all the proof I need. I think your soul is more damaged than mine, if you even still have one. If you really, truly believe that anything I’ve done here is worse than perpetuating the torture of babies, then get the fuck out and never return: You are my problem with this world, why I’m here, and why I’m going to die a murderer.

hope432 10/25/2019 - 7:17 am

“my useless stepfather did enough of that growing up and i have my own religion thank you”

My shitty father who looks like a monster also did that to me. I am glad you have your own religion.

This website truly helps people to connect and have another chance for Life. I stay here because I was neglected too by others and also very mocked and despised.

I have nothing against your hatred for religions. I feel compassion for you.

It'll Be Ok 10/25/2019 - 7:44 am

I never once said I hate religions. Please don’t make assumptions it can sometimes raise people’s stress levels

hope432 10/25/2019 - 7:23 am

“Friends are worthless – you shouldn’t feel bad about avoiding leeches.” Thank you. Thank you for making me understand that. I really needed it…

“Churches perpetuate forced genital mutilation of children that I alluded to earlier, and I want nothing to do with an entity so goddamned evil it perpetuates the murder of newborn boys, so stop talking about it please, thanks.”

I agree. There are Churches which do not though.
Atheists, Nazis and Communists are much Worse. Think about thousands of abortions perpetuated by the doctrine of atheism(we do not care about God. (According to them, we want to be free, live our own lives, be positive, spend our money and not care about others).

I thank for the existence of this website. It truly makes us more human.

ElElyon 10/25/2019 - 8:31 am

Would you rather die painlessly, stabbed while in the womb, or by a clamp and scalpel, having your genitals destroyed while tied down, dying of sheer trauma?

I’ll let you ponder that mystery, but the answer is really obvious, at least for me.

-Abort me for a hundred billion lifetimes, and at least I’ll never have to experience the worst humanity has to offer, which is part of your faith. Also part of feminism, and also perpetuated by the trans movements, both of which I dislike more than your religion. At least the origin of your faith only demands the partial forceful mutilation of boys(Jewish rites usually only remove part of the prepuce anyways, leaving the male equivalent of the clitoris intact. Severing the frenar band is still fucked up in my opinion, but that’s way more humane than skinning the entire organ and crushing the clitoral equivalent, as is done in modern hospitals), rather than the completion the other two groups so wish for. If you want to call ANY groups worse, point at ones that are ACTUALLY worse. Point to the feminists, who took pages out of the Nazi playbook, yes. “Get Woke” is a phrase the Nazis(“Deutschland Erwache!”) put on their flags and they took it from the Communist manifesto; it is parroted by feminism today. Supremacy ideologies are bad, every single one, and they hurt people. But don’t call abortions as evil, let alone more evil – you might call the people who do them murderers, if you want, but at least they aren’t torturers and mutilators, literally demons; their victims received painless endings, and were spared having to ever bear witness to this hellscape. For that, I’d call abortion a neutral, maybe even a good act. At least they got to die with their dignity and organs intact, which is more than I can say for everyone forced circumcision has murdered needlessly on their fucking delivery table. That’s basically a post-birth abortion, and your faith wholesale SUPPORTS IT. I’ve told you what you need to do to convince me, and it *isn’t* arguing with me over it.

If you find theological notions more compelling, I’m not exactly asking you to go stop ritual offerings to your god. I’m asking you to stop even one child from being tortured to death on a delivery table for no good reason, on the basis of flawed research dating to the early 1900s which is contested by other research which organizations like the ADL fight to have thrown out. I’m asking you to stop people from stealing from your god, stop them from taking what isn’t theirs from another human being. If it isn’t happening as part of a Jewish blood ritual, and therefore not in the name of god, they are tarnishing god’s image, are they not? Man was made after god, ARE WE NOT? Do you, or do you not, believe that? How can you say that murder is evil, but theft from your god and tarnishing his very image is less evil?

So you think it is better to die committing evil for the sake of good, or even just for raw retribution, than to commit the ‘evil’ of intentionally dying? I find that fascinating, but I’m not sure I understand.

I will only warn you that it is very difficult to convince a would-be parent that their preconceived notions are wrong. I’ve tried innumerable times. But I believe that, if your god is real, it is much more sinful to act after being warned of your evil than to act ignorantly; at least it is my consolation prize that, if you’re right, all those who’ve ignored my pleas to convince them will be right beside me on the layer of treachery.

As for LaVey, he was a bald asshole who shaved his head because he didn’t like the hairstyles of the ’70s. His writings, however, are interesting, and I used his scripture’s commandments to create my own faith, Absolution. The doctrine is very simple, the commandments are, “Don’t be intentionally stupid” and, “Don’t be a ****.” I’ve never done a sacrifice, and the black sacrament is a pointless rite, so I’ve never administered it. That said, you can feel how you will about *his* satanism – it is the basis for mine, but it is ultimately still fundamentally different.

I agree with you that I’m already in Hell. I broke my neck once: I’ve never been fully convinced I didn’t die, and in fact witnessing what this world has to offer has helped convince me I DID die, or that at the best this is a really fucked-up coma. I was very young then, so I would estimate that, if this IS Hell, I landed on the layer of avarice, and that’s what this place is. It’s certainly not Eden.

hope432 10/25/2019 - 9:36 am

contact me if you want on constantiu_04 at yahoo.com The dark atmosphere on this website doesn’t help both of us.

“I’m asking you to stop even one child from being tortured to death on a delivery table for no good reason, on the basis of flawed research dating to the early 1900s which is contested by other research which organizations like the ADL fight to have thrown out.”

I was tortured by bad dentists and bad dental surgeons. They dig in my mouth for 2-3 times. They removed wisdom without good reason.

I know what you mean. Yes, I want to save such a child.

hope432 10/25/2019 - 7:49 am

” If you really, truly believe that anything I’ve done here is worse than perpetuating the torture of babies, then get the fuck out and never return: You are my problem with this world, why I’m here, and why I’m going to die a murderer.”

This is the sin against life itself. Better be a murderer and kill others than to kill yourself and reject Existence.

Yes, I will save that boy from the knife. I promise…

Also, your Satanism is the worst I can think of. Your LaVey ….

“My point was that, even if by some strange phenomenon you were 100% right, I still think I’ve made the right choice.”

No, I am not 100 % right. I am a limited being. You can argue with me. It’s ok.
No, you didn’t make the right choice. You are already in hell and on this website. You are abandoned by Satan.

hope432 10/25/2019 - 8:07 am

“The first part I’m not so sure about as I personally have helped people on this site to a better life however that aside because that’s not the part I really wanted to comment on. I must say I agree with the last part. One of my biggest reasons for ever wanting to end it is I couldn’t ever see myself being happy in a world that only thinks about itself. It doesn’t matter how many of my problems I fix. ”

Thank you. You value much. Ok. I still want and hope that you will be happy in this world. Yes, I know… the despair and death inside you. You need help, too.

There is a person on this website: “Cause of Death: Suicide”. She was so desperate and wanted badly to kill herself. Now, she started to believe in God and Jesus. She is still suicidal like you, but it still improved her life.

It'll Be Ok 10/25/2019 - 8:12 am

Not every ones the same. God can’t help me. And before you go on to say he can 1) just don’t it’ll annoy me 2) none of it makes any sense to me. There is zero hope in me believing something that doesn’t make sense. Also I’m actually doing pretty good improving my life on my own. Without any help.

hope432 10/25/2019 - 9:38 am

Ok, God can’t help you. I am done with you. I want to help the person above. He is more respectful.

It'll Be Ok 10/25/2019 - 9:46 am

I treat people the way they treat me 🙂

hope432 10/28/2019 - 2:21 pm

@ElElyon, are you still there? I want to talk to you. I won’t put you reject Satan this time.

ElElyon 10/31/2019 - 7:55 am

That’s really unfortunate, because I don’t want to talk to you.
Especially if you wish to talk and don’t have any news for me: That would just be fundamentally depressing and antagonizing.

Your mileage may vary; it depends on what you have to say, and whether or not I’ve stolen my weapon of choice yet – in that case, you’d never get a reply; that’s how you’d know for sure.

hope432 10/31/2019 - 8:19 am

Hello ElElyon, I have some news for you. I had a dream last night. I would help a homeless child from the sewers of the capital city of my country. The life in the sewers of my country is one of the worst one in all Eastern Europe. You cannot imagine the degree of horror which exist there. For example these children when they do drugs they imagine they are back in the belly of their mothers where they feel warm and safe. They are also beaten by other children. Although they belong to the white race, they are tortured by gypsy gangsters who try to teach them lessons.

I would take such a child to London or a smaller English city. Do you think this is possible?
I also imagined I would take him to a shop and buy him anything he would like.

When I was with my mother, years ago, in the capital city of my country, I rejected such a child. I am not sure, but I think we were to go to Israel. He went to ask for money to my mother and I told him to leave us in a harsh way. My mother who is a Christian and always taught me harsh lessons told me that I am crazy, immoral and selfish. The child was well behaved and took an apple or an orange from me if I remember well and said Thank you with a soft voice. He was homeless, in poor health and mentally ill. He would spend his time in the train station of that city. What do you think?
(I prefer helping someone from the sewers of the capital city because those children, despite their offences with the law, they are far more well behaved, in my opinion, than the children of another city of my country, known to me).

ElElyon 10/31/2019 - 9:02 am

Unfortunately, it doesn’t evoke an emotional reaction, if that’s what you’re asking. I thought very few thoughts.

Do I think that what you’ve said is possible? Sure. But why? Why bother, especially with a western country? That, to me, just sounds like a great way to show someone the rest of the world’s horrors. You’d just be taking them from one place that demonized them for being white and right into another, only it also demonizes them for daring to be male.

I digress. Most importantly, I don’t believe you in terms of my inability to imagine the degree of horror therein. You’ll have to try me – unfortunately, I live in the States where approximately three-hundred babies are reported as genitally mutilated to death annually, and nobody cares. Not even their own mothers who, by all rights, should be tried as murderers(Medical records are absolutely private in this country, so if the parents don’t call up a service that keeps track of babies murdered in specific ways postmortem and describe what happened, it just goes down on-paper as, “Medical malpractice” and nobody would ever know what happened, thus leading to a standard never changing. I probably shouldn’t have to say this, but logic would dictate that the three-hundred reports are likely unrepresentative of the actual, probably much higher, number). This country has people fighting for the right to castrate their children! I don’t think *you* understand the scale of that kind of horror, but perhaps it is that I misunderstand what you’re getting at. Mundane violence and gang wars just mean… very little to me in comparison.

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