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I need more.

by shatterediris

And now I’m back into that stupid feeling of needing more scars. I know it makes no sense, and I know I’m doing fairly well with not cutting even if my last cut just now healed but it’s better than before, but worse than after that but before now…. I’m just starting to feel like I don’t have enough scars, and don’t have severe enough looking scars, I know that’s probably not true but I still feel that way. I hate this, I’m probably going to fall back in eventually. I’ve also been sleeping a lot lately, haven’t slept today and I’m tired but for the past 2ish months it’s been over 10 hours per day, some days closer to 16, my cat has been sleeping less than me sometimes…. She seems worried about me too, and has tried to get me out of bed a few times. I feel horrible but there’s nothing I can do about it…. I’m eating less because my money is running out, and I dread going back to trying to find work again, nothing about that process is okay…. It’s just going to be a lot of being told that I’m a freak that nobody wants, then finding a place to work that will mistreat me and over schedule me and I can’t handle that, but I’ll need to again, for at least 2-3 months, that will get me enough money for a couple more years if I am careful, but knowing me I’ll try to convince myself that I want to stay with the job, and get that weird feeling that somebody actually cares about me and not want to disappoint them, and end up spending most of the money I make as soon as I make it on food to try to make myself feel better so I will keep showing up to work just to please other people. I hate it, I just wish I would actually put effort into something else to try to attain money, something that I enjoy the process of that makes less but would make enough to exist off of…. But I’m horrified of failure, so I won’t…. I know I would fail too, I fail at everything I do. I have evidence to prove that I am a failure. Oh yeah, and proper full on dysphoria too…. at least I think it’s dysphoria, I’m not sure…. I feel like it might not be, but it also might be, I have no idea what dysphoria is supposed to feel like…. But it’s me just constantly thinking about how if I wasn’t born the horrible way I was how I might have a happy life right now. It’s bullshit that I lost the coinflip…. so maybe it’s dysphoria I don’t know it’s distress about gender identity issues, but I don’t think I even have a strong gender identity, I don’t like masculine pronouns they feel uncomfortable, yet feminine ones feel dishonest…. I choose not to make a big deal of it because it shouldn’t be, it really shouldn’t be…. The words people use to talk about me shouldn’t bother me but they do, they mock me, always…. Even the neutral “they” bothers me, it feels more accurate yes, but it also makes me feel alienated. I hate this, and it seems like it shouldn’t be difficult, it’s not for most people…. and I don’t even think I’m trans, because trans people I meet always talk about how certain of their gender identity they were from a young age, but I’ve never been certain of that…. Just always felt off, and that life would be better otherwise, but is that just due to some sort of feeling that it’s not optimal and doesn’t match up to what I want out of life? Or is it something else? I really don’t know, I just know that it bothers me and I hate it…. I don’t know why this is even something I am thinking about so much now either, I’ve been able to push it out of my mind for a few years now, and have been okay enough…. Haven’t been dwelling on it, at least…. I know I can’t possibly try anything out either though, I know I can’t I’d be disowned and I do still depend on my parent, even though I’m almost 30 now which is pathetic…. I’ll never be my own person, even after my parent dies, they’ll be the only reason why I’ll even be able to continue to live my pathetic pointless life. I hate that I know I’ll have the opportunity to be okay when they die though, I don’t deserve it.

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