I’ve managed to screw up everything good I had going and turn it all into a bunch of fucked up shit, like always. I’m shit at my job, and I accidentally fucked some shit up because I’m too fucking stupid and cowardly to ask for help. I’m too much of a coward to speak to my college advisor and schedule my classes for next semester. I’m going to fuck up my French final because I am too fucking stupid to understand which verb tense to use and I’m apparently fucking too incompetent to even understand the review. I’m too much for a close friend of mine to deal with, and I’m already so much of a burden to him. My parents don’t want me, but all the same, they want to come see me for a little while during the break. I moved 13 hours away so I could avoid them; they abused me for years, and now that I’m out of the house, they want to pretend like they care about me, and I want to crawl right back to them like the spineless attention-goblin that I am. My roommate hates me and would be significantly better off without me.
I think I’m intrinsically inferior to everyone. I’ve thought that even since before my parents started severely abusing me, so it’s not some dumb trauma thought that I should be able to dismiss. I’ve known since the beginning that I’m subhuman. I’ve never been the protagonist of my own life; at best, my most important role was as the antagonist. I’m so overwhelmingly and inherently selfish, and I hate that, so I fight as hard as I can against my nature. That’s all I’ve ever been able to do, fight against what is natural. I’ve fought for so long that I don’t even know what natural looks like anymore. It’s not even much of a decision for me to make anymore; everything has led me to this. There is no other way my life could’ve gone; this is necessary.
And that’s why I’ll be gone soon. I’ll finish finals, since I don’t want to stress anyone else out before or during finals week with my suicidal bullshit. Right after finals week, though, I’m going to find a day I don’t work and overdose and bleed out in the bathroom of the nearby gas station. My crude life is only deserving of a crude death. I’ll do my best to bleed out over the toilet so as not to make a mess for the worker. I know my suicide is selfish, but I was always selfish. All I can do is end that selfishness and try to be as kind to everyone as I can about it.
I’ve bought Christmas presents for my siblings and friend; they deserve nothing but the best, but I was never able to give them anything of quality. Hopefully they’ll be alright, but I’m too selfish to stop because of that. I’m sorry.
5 comments
Personally, I always wanted to hack my arms off somehow and run around the block spraying blood all over everyone’s new cars while screaming – probably around 3am, so everyone falls out of bed and hopefully hits their heads on the side of a nightstand or something. But that’s just me.
I don’t think suicide is selfish, but then again. I have had no one and nothing in my life so when I die I will be leaving nothing behind. I never went to college because I planned to kill myself right out of high school (public education what a complete waste of time & life) I am now 25 and I have no idea why I am still alive. Random strangers want to force me to be alive and ultimately i was forced to be alive by them (although I still have the ability to kill myself, and is my choice in the long run) but why was it up to them. I hear it is more selfish of the strangers to force you to be alive, when it goes against your hopes and wishes and desires.
The main reason for suicide is to end pain, which is also the main reason people see doctors. If the former is selfish, then so is the latter. Doctors dispense hope, mostly in the form of drugs, with placebos often working just as well as the real things. So if you find a hope, then some healing starts.
If you’re still here & I really do hope you are.
PLEASE DO YOURSELF the favor of Divorcing YOUR parents IMMEDIATELY & HONOR THE DIVORCE. THEY DON’T DESERVE YOU & THEY NEVER DID.
CHILDREN aren’t a RIGHT their a privilege and a gift & SHOULD BE treated as such. Abuse is a COMPLETE & TOTAL deal breaker. There are few things that I go ballistic over & abuse in ANY form towards children, adults & pets will take me there with in seconds. Get a handle on the co-dependency & the passive aggressive behavior we all suffer from. Go no contact. It’s easy. Change your phone # , & refuse their mail & any other attempts or forms of communication. They’ll get the msg. YOU ARE WORTH while.
You are far from STUPID. These fuckers fuck our minds up and it takes us a lifetime to undo all the damage they’ve done. Stop with the negative self talk. The fact you made it into college, that right there says you aren’t STUPID. Surround yourself with good people & only POSITIVE. Fuck all THE negatives. There’s nothing unique about negativity. That’s what brings us ALL HERE.
Peace.
10-4, roger copy, yes indeed. Seriously, this is a good description of the codependent relationship we can form with abusive parents and the need to exit the relationship. We cover this stuff in my group therapy. Even though both of my parents are dead I still must divorce my thinking from them. Group is helping a lot with this.