I’ve managed to screw up everything good I had going and turn it all into a bunch of fucked up shit, like always. I’m shit at my job, and I accidentally fucked some shit up because I’m too fucking stupid and cowardly to ask for help. I’m too much of a coward to speak to my college advisor and schedule my classes for next semester. I’m going to fuck up my French final because I am too fucking stupid to understand which verb tense to use and I’m apparently fucking too incompetent to even understand the review. I’m too much for a close friend of mine to deal with, and I’m already so much of a burden to him. My parents don’t want me, but all the same, they want to come see me for a little while during the break. I moved 13 hours away so I could avoid them; they abused me for years, and now that I’m out of the house, they want to pretend like they care about me, and I want to crawl right back to them like the spineless attention-goblin that I am. My roommate hates me and would be significantly better off without me.
I think I’m intrinsically inferior to everyone. I’ve thought that even since before my parents started severely abusing me, so it’s not some dumb trauma thought that I should be able to dismiss. I’ve known since the beginning that I’m subhuman. I’ve never been the protagonist of my own life; at best, my most important role was as the antagonist. I’m so overwhelmingly and inherently selfish, and I hate that, so I fight as hard as I can against my nature. That’s all I’ve ever been able to do, fight against what is natural. I’ve fought for so long that I don’t even know what natural looks like anymore. It’s not even much of a decision for me to make anymore; everything has led me to this. There is no other way my life could’ve gone; this is necessary.
And that’s why I’ll be gone soon. I’ll finish finals, since I don’t want to stress anyone else out before or during finals week with my suicidal bullshit. Right after finals week, though, I’m going to find a day I don’t work and overdose and bleed out in the bathroom of the nearby gas station. My crude life is only deserving of a crude death. I’ll do my best to bleed out over the toilet so as not to make a mess for the worker. I know my suicide is selfish, but I was always selfish. All I can do is end that selfishness and try to be as kind to everyone as I can about it.
I’ve bought Christmas presents for my siblings and friend; they deserve nothing but the best, but I was never able to give them anything of quality. Hopefully they’ll be alright, but I’m too selfish to stop because of that. I’m sorry.