I must be a pyromaniac or a fool..

Long Post Warning: This is just something I need to get off my heart and mind. No reply necessary.

I never thought of myself as someone who sets fires, but maybe I am.  Maybe even just entertaining the thought of another woman is playing with fire. I’ve always been the overly cautious type that doesn’t want to get burnt or see others hurt and warns of the dangers. And yet here I am with match in one hand and the matchbox in the other.

So about a year ago I moved to a new position in my organization. And 2-3 months in a woman I’ll call ‘Katie”  also transferred to my floor or department if you will.  We would see each other almost daily and conversation has always been pleasant. Just typical inner office pleasantries, nothing out of the norm. And within a month or two of her transfer we had a spot open up in the team I’m in and she filled the role we were seeking to fill.

Long story short, our conversations have begun to stretch further and further into our days at work. We mostly communicate via a team channel or ”App” we typically  use as an ”Instant Messenger” of sorts. Even though we’re within talking distance and we do talk openly at times.

And I think it started out innocently enough, with little Q & A’s getting to know each other and just talking inner office politics and drama. Fast forward 6 or 7 months and here we are. We’ve shared a lot about our life and our past, and have found out we have  a lot in common. We’ve both shared a lot of dark past that have given us this sort of common bond. She is my favorite person at work I look forward to seeing and talking to. I would like to believe she thinks highly of me as well. I don’t know and I’m not going to ask.

Like I said, entertaining any thought or idea of us as anything more than co-workers is playing with fire as we’re both married. Yes, you read that right, we’re both married. Neither of our marriages are perfect and we’re both going through hard times within our separate marriages. Life’s hard, no one said marriage would be easy. So yeah, we’ve confided in one another about our marriages. However she’s expressed she’s trying to make it work, and I have as well. So I’m not under any delusions she’s going to up and leave her husband. And if she did I doubt it would be to jump into my arms. And furthermore, I don’t think that’s what I want.

Everyday my inner dialogue is something like this ”What are you doing man, you’re married, what do you hope to accomplish besides wrecking your life, your wife’s heart and possibly hers. Even if she did feel the same way, the grass isn’t going to be any greener over there”

And every day I allow her to level me with her eyes and instantly put me in a giddy mood where the rest of my day is spent with a foolish grin on my face. When she looks at me I feel as though she knows my thoughts, my feelings and my intentions. And even I haven’t understood my intentions when it comes to her. As much as I love how real, genuine and authentic she is and that she’s one of the few people in my life I’ve truly ever felt a connection with, it doesn’t change the fact that she’s married with 2 kids. And it’s not right or good on my marriage when my thoughts drift off to her. And when I say connection, I don’t mean a physical connection. It’s just one of those things where you feel interconnected like you’re both on the same plane or wavelength. It’s hard to put into words for me, but you know what I mean if you’ve ever felt that way about someone else regardless of attraction or gender. Could be a friend, and perhaps that’s all we’re meant to be? I don’t know..just one of those things.

And I guess I wish I could have that same deep rooted connection with my wife. Doesn’t make my wife less deserving of my love and attention. She’s just not built that way, and that’s okay. She is still a great wife who treats me better than I deserve to be treated. For the record I’m not cheating on my wife and have no plans to. I just needed to get this off my heart and mind so I can move on. I need to tear down this pedestal I’ve put ”Katie” on, and work on lifting my wife back up and put the focus solely on her. She deserves more of course than a piece of crap like me, but I made vows I have no intention of breaking.