It’s truly sad when you realize just how much you rely on certain people or animals to get you by, because your life sucks that bad without them. What’s sadder is you don’t realize your dependency on them until they leave you, and you feel like your heart has been filleted and your tiny little world begins to implode. I found out this week my favorite co-worker Carrie whom I’ve been working closely with over the past year is possibly transferring to another department in my organization.
I hate how my emotional state is tied to what someone at work is doing. I wish I wasn’t such an emotional creature. Especially as a guy. I might not feel so heart broken if I felt there was someone else, anyone else in my department with whom I felt like I could truly connect with. Sadly I don’t. I might briefly talk to others in passing, but most of them I find to be vapid and shallow. That and I really don’t think anyone thinks highly of me. Maybe it’s that I’m ugly. I think people in general are under some assumption if you talk to or befriend someone who isn’t average or above average looking, you’re going to somehow catch it like a cold. So people often avoid me. Doesn’t help I’m reserved, quiet and mostly keep to myself if I don’t know you well enough.
So when someone pure in heart comes along, its so rare in my life that I tend to become very attached to that person inwardly. Even when I tell myself it’s just someone you work with.. people come and go, don’t get attached. So I always try to lowkey my feelings for them and just play it cool. Inwardly I’m dying because she’s my favorite person at work and well, maybe in general. I’m genuinely trying to be supportive and wish her well, even though it’s not official yet. They want someone who has a degree in that marketing position, however with her charismatic and outgoing personality, I think they’ll overlook it and give her the position.
And truth be told, it’s probably for the best as I’ve got feelings for her and it’s not a healthy thing to have since she’s married. It would be a cold but necessary snap back to reality. Reality that she isn’t the least bit interested in me, and only see’s me as a cool co-worker slash friend. So I’m trying to prepare my heart to be ripped out and tossed in the office waste basket like yesterdays left overs. All while smiling and preparing to congratulate her and wish her the best. Sure we’ll still be in the same building, but I’m not delusional to think we’ll talk as often or at all unless we see each other in passing, meetings or in the lunch room.
God my life sucks when I feel like I’m about to go through a break up from a relationship that never happened.
Notes to self: Suck it up butter cup, quit being a beta male. Deal with it.