What I Know And What I Don’t Know

I have no idea what is proper social etiquette. I have no idea how to have meaningful interpersonal relationships. I have no idea why I want to have relationships with people. I have no idea how to properly control myself when it comes to trying to be friends with someone. I have no idea how to properly communicate what is in my head. I have no idea why I’m tearing up right now. I have no idea why I haven’t been able to cry for the past few weeks, except now. I do know somethings though. I know that just keeping quiet hasn’t done anything for me. I know that everything I do is out of fear. I know I am afraid that I will amount to nothing. I know this fear drives me to keep going on with my studies even though I have no true motivation or passion for my field. I know that I am terrified of being alone. I know that this is what drives me to try so hard and be friends with her. I know that talking to her and properly expressing what’s in my head won’t really fix anything. I know that I’m scared. I know that everyone my age has had at least some experience with everything I have never had experience with. I know that I’m likely to die alone. I know that I’m likely to keep trying and trying and failing and failing. I know that no matter how hard I try, how hopelessly, desperately hard I try, I will never be truly happy. This is what I know and what I don’t know.