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Shadows in my mind and heart

by Indianagav

I’ve been considering ending it all. The first girl I ever opened myself to has left me. She helped me through abuse and sexual assault. I’m a male and never talked about it to anyone. To keep her I broke my family and my relationship with them. I had three mentors, all in February took their lives one after another. My girl left me on Christmas eve, right after I came home from MEPS to join the army. I passed but now I wished I didn’t. It’s difficult when shaving to not just slice my neck. I shave with a straight razor. I may stop just to limit my chances. It’s difficult. I want to help people in the world and being a combat medic is what god is calling me to do. But the pain just hurts and I have no way to express it. I don’t want to do it but my time is limited and I hurt and I don’t want to hurt emotionally anymore. This year has been up down only. Found what was the love of my life, PTSD from abuse returns, Finally work through it, Mentors take their lives, get through it and build bonds with her parents, I fail high school because I got sick and depressed. I finished school but didn’t walk. Its been up down and I just cant keeping going anymore. I don’t know when I’m going to just finish it but it may be soon and I’m scared. I’ve been having chronic dreams and night terrors that keep me up at night. My family and my girl being raped and skinned alive to much worse. I cry every time I wake up.

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4 comments

LiquidHuman 1/17/2020 - 7:04 pm

I’m sorry this happened to you. I know that doesn’t mean shit in the long run, but that’s all I can do. I don’t understand how you’re feeling or your pain, but I understand that life’s been shit to you. And you don’t deserve that.

I know a lot of people hate to hear this, but have you ever thought of therapy? Know that I won’t ever tell someone this who are certain they want to die. Because let’s face it, they don’t care. They’ve already decided that there’s nothing in their lives that’s worth fixing. But from what I’ve read, it kinda seems like you don’t want to die, just that you want to stop all the pain you’re feeling. And I know there’s this stigma against getting help, but sometimes it just helps to vent to someone who’s not gonna get hurt by what you have to say. A lot of times I friends and family take the whole “I wanna die” thing really personally. “Why would you want to die?” “How could you say that?” “Don’t you know how sad this would make us?” Though it comes from a place of love, it makes a person want to keep all this to themselves. Feeling like their emotions will only make other people unhappy. That’s what I’ve been doing for a while.

You don’t have to get help. It’s up to you. But if your desire to get better is stronger than your desire to kill yourself, it might not be a bad idea.

Take care, okay?

Indianagav 1/18/2020 - 12:18 am

Yes, I have, but it just doesn’t work. They just don’t understand because they cant relate. I was baker acted during the summer because I started taking medication again for an ailment I didn’t have. Add that to the list of shit.

It is hard. I miss her so much and miss my mentors. I don’t have any of my best friends anymore because they’ve abandoned me. They’re either dead or just gone and done. I wonder if my depression had an effect on my relationship with the girl. I just want her back, I just want to enjoy my last 25 days home with her and family. Not contemplating if I’m going to just shoot myself when I’m at basic or just get it over with when shaving. It sucks. I’ve only pushed her away because I can’t control my emotions and just keep spilling, She said she still loves me and will miss me but it makes me question if she really did.

LiquidHuman 1/18/2020 - 7:22 pm

Sorry I couldn’t be much help man. I wish there was more I could say to make you feel better. But given the fact I only know less than half of the story, my advice is bound to be shit. I hope you can either find a way to figure all this out or at the very least find peace with your decision. Good luck at basic, and with whatever you choose to do.

Oh, and word to the wise: maybe don’t go out with a razor. Slitting your throat is one of the most painful ways out I heard. Just trying to spare you from those agonizing few minutes.

allalonedeb 1/18/2020 - 10:11 pm

It sucks when you feel you have been abandoned, but hang in there thing’s can’t get worse only better, good luck, 🙂

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