I posted my thoughts about five years ago, and another year before that. I have found over time that everything seems to cycle back to the same place. I am 58 now, and I would say I have had my depression for about 50 years and it has always been a cyclical thing. Like Cancer that goes into remission but comes back, goes back into remission and the same goes on..
At the worst part of the cycle I find my desire not to be suicide, but to just disappear from everyone and everything. Taking my life is just a means to get to that place. I also want to disappear from myself, and I hope it would be a permanent sleep state…..That would be wonderful…. I tend to visit good memories in my sleep and I hope that would be the case……….
Well, the cycle has been 5 years now. the Great ups when I thought I was “cured”, but now I have circled back to the same place. This means to the end is scary door or portal for me. I see an end of everything on the other side, but getting through that portal is terrifying. The barrier that stops me is figuring out a viable method. I cant see myself cutting my wrists, taking all the meds in my cabinet or anything like that. First, I am a wimp when it comes to pain, and want a method that will just allow me to go to sleep. Second, I do not want to do an “attention getter where someone finds me and I end doing an involuntary commitment in a psych ward. I just want to disappear from everything.
So my question is how do I get that sleep? I know people cannot answer that directly on this site but I am hoping that I find a way that takes care of my two barriers….