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Terminal Disease

by ivygradhc

I posted my thoughts about five years ago, and another year before that.    I have found over time that everything seems to cycle back to the same place.    I am 58 now, and I would say I have had my depression for about 50 years and it has always been a cyclical thing.    Like Cancer that goes into remission but comes back,   goes back into remission and the same goes on..

At the worst part of the cycle I find my desire not to be suicide, but to just disappear from everyone and everything.    Taking my life is just a means to get to that place.   I also want to disappear from myself,  and  I hope it would be a permanent sleep state…..That would be wonderful….     I tend to visit good memories in my sleep and I hope that would be the case……….

Well, the cycle has been 5 years now.   the Great ups when I thought I was “cured”, but now I have circled back to the same place.      This means to the end is scary door or portal for me.   I see an end of everything on the other side, but getting through that portal is terrifying.    The barrier that stops me is figuring out a viable method.   I cant see myself cutting my wrists, taking all the meds in my cabinet or anything like that.    First, I am a wimp when it comes to pain, and want a method that will just allow me to go to sleep.   Second, I do not want to do an “attention getter where someone finds me and I end doing an involuntary commitment in a psych ward.    I just want to disappear from everything.

So my question is how do I get that sleep?    I know people cannot answer that directly on this site but I am hoping that I find a way that takes care of my two barriers….

 

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