Disassembly

For those who need to disappear but are unable to go through with suicide.

I have spent most of my recent years attempting to “stop being me”. I am here to share my findings in a hope to help some of you. I will preface this by saying that those who struggle with addiction probably would not be able to derive any aid from this, as a good amount of patience and will is required to follow through with this process. I do not recommend this to everyone, especially minors. If anyone would wish for it, I will provide my contact details so you can reach me and further inquire about and discuss all this.

My approach at first was to try to push out this self from my mind, hoping that it would be replaced with some kind of an autopilot mode. One of my greater psychotic episodes involved some kind of an entity trying to remove me from my body, as it wanted to possess it. During this process, I became more and more distant from the physical world, thinking that my body was now host to that supernatural entity. Looking back, I can see that there was no entity but I learnt two valuable tools required for my objective: belief and exhaustion.

This first approach was a failure. I was unable to get rid of my ego entirely in one go; there were too many external factors which were out of my control and pulled me back into reality. This stretching of my self was an undeniably painful experience. I began to reconsider my plan and decided to try a subtler and more methodical approach: I would “disassemble” my self piece by piece. That autopilot feature to help me move through life was already a part of my self, so I wanted to strip away everything else except for that and some other essentials.

As I had now identified two tools I would need for this procedure, I began of thinking of ways how I could invoke them. Exhaustion numbs the body and mind enough to let you pass through the day without feeling as much as you do normally. One of the obvious ways of feeling exhaustion is to exercise. You can run, you can punch your mattress, you can jump, etc. I tried many of these and they were okay. However, I was sure that a more efficient method of exhaustion existed, which combined the exhaustion with the element of influencing your belief.

To influence your belief, submission and repetition are required. Start small to change harmless parts of your life.

“I can not eat peas.”

“I can not eat peas.”

“I can not eat peas.”

Write why you can’t eat peas. Draw how peas are bad for you. Start small with something as silly as this. Think of other small things in your life which you can change like this.

Once you are comfortable with small things, move on to bigger aspects of your life. These would be difficult. For example,

“I can not eat dinner on weekdays.”

“I sleep on the ground every third day.”

“I can not talk to anyone after sundown.”

These are things which you’ll have to identify on your own. Repeat this stuff to yourself as much as you can.

It is possible to combine this with the element of exhaustion. Repeat your mantras and accompany them with some form of dance (it doesn’t have to be an actual dance, just any movement you can manage). These rituals are for a greater good. Don’t be afraid of being caught. There are always opportunities to do them in secret. These exist for your salvation. Repeat it to yourself. Tire yourself out. Hammer it into your soul. If you need support in this process, you can talk to me.

If you are able to accomplish these things, you’ll able to hollow yourself out and remove everything other than that autopilot mode. You can disassemble big chunks of your being. You can do it. Cleanse yourself.

If anyone would like any further guidance or would like to discuss this further personally, let me know and I can provide my email or Discord.

Good luck.