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For how long have you been feeling like this?

by TheChimeraMonster

I just want to know to compare with my own perspective, have you passed through a traumatic event to it to begin? or did it just crawl little by little on your mind? did you feel like this when you were a child?
Just to make me clear, i don’t want you to feel bad about this, if you don’t feel secure to talk about it, please don’t.
For me, it begun when i was really little, about 5 to 6 years old. I remember just looking at the sky and wanting to disappear, i didn’t have the concept of death, I just had the urge to… leave. After I had the concept of death that everything just made sense on my mind, and it wasn’t any traumatic event, it just begun, slowly, and it was there, and since then everything is grey.

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8 comments

Cause of Death: Suicide 3/15/2020 - 7:04 pm

I don’t talk about it a lot but I was molested about every night in my childhood when I was about 7,8,9. I started wanting to die then. I also decided I would commit suicide when I failed to get on, or take interest in (i.e. Like, or even stand) the people around me, when I realized I would never be able to have a career, and I realized I would never be able to leave my child molesters even in my adulthood. Otherwise my life is like one long empty moment that just drags on forever, when I would much rather cause harm to myself on intense amounts of physical pain.. some that may even cause death.

evianwatre 3/15/2020 - 10:13 pm

please don’t be this negative, people come onto this site to share and get things out, and the least they would want is someone else doubting how they feel and what they went through. this is a open platform, if you don’t feel like being supportive, it’s ok, but don’t hurt anyone else either.

TheChimeraMonster 3/25/2020 - 9:45 am

Im so sorry, its so hard to know this happened

Martin1987 3/15/2020 - 8:55 pm

I’ve felt suicidal ever since 2003 (aged 16). But in the past few years I’ve been feeling much more suicidal than before.

TheChimeraMonster 3/25/2020 - 9:51 am

sorry to hear that, I feel you, lately things have become soo…. desperated…

Yoges 3/16/2020 - 2:43 pm

Yeah, I think my trajectory is like yours except it didn’t begin that early, first vivid grey memories from 13/14 yrs age. But one incident is a bit similar to you staring at the sky – I had bunked school after lunch and wandered into the countryside (school was at the outskirts of the city I lived in). I still hear the dull hum of distant highway trailers that was like a solemn soundtrack of my schooldays. I got near a sandy racing track where they were go-karting. I’d never seen those before, so I dropped my schoolbag and sat upon a big boulder. Just sat there on a hot afternoon for about two hours- almost one and half hour after the go-karters had left. Without any reason, except for clouds passing slowing overhead. It wasn’t grey but I recall a depressing yellowness all around. I recall first stings of humiliation in that moment of realizing my natural aloofness, kind of predicting a pointless, desertlike life awaiting at the end of childhood.
I didn’t face any major traumatic event either. And I guess that’s worse because then I have no justification for being dead inside :/

TheChimeraMonster 3/25/2020 - 9:49 am

I know how you feel, bc, how can I just go for “Im depressed since forever, for no reason other than being alive” when trying to explain it to someone who doesn’t understand it. Most of ppl take their psychological healthy for granted, and think that everyone has the same luck of not having to think every single minute of their lives about how much they want to end it.

evianwatre 3/25/2020 - 4:50 pm

my first time having suicidal thoughts was probably from the age of 8 or 9, i remember failing, terribly failing a final test, hitting my head on the wall and crying like it’s the end of the world, it kind of was, for me, i don’t remember what i felt exactly, but the memories built up, every day, every second, i really don’t remember the last time i was truly happy. life was always shit, however i wasn’t ill.
around 3 years ago, or 4, i don’t know, suddenly things changed and i fell into an endless tunnel, only to sink more and more to the bottom. at the beginning, before the mental illness, things were grey however there were bright, vibrant spots scattered over everything, then the colors in my life faded and i’ve given up on trying to reclaim them. god i hate myself, with every cell in my body. i can’t help but to feel worse and worse every day, almost as if i’m reminding myself of those years, the good times and the shadows that hung right above it. thinking about the good part of the past hurts just as much as thinking about the traumatic ones.

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