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Finding a reason

by disorientedlies

A couple of years ago I had many attempts of suicide, since then I’ve been trying to get help. Everything gets in the way, stopping me from helping myself. I try and find reasons to start over new or someone for that matter. Now I feel numb and without a single care.

In our household music is everything. I push myself every night to add more and more hours onto my piano practice, until my hands cramp and I can’t play any longer. I sometimes get really angry where I pull at my hair and make my skin bleed, usually screaming my head off, there is no control when this happens. I feel my body get red and boiling rage just sets me off, usually when something like this happens its pent up anger from continued fights with loved ones or non stop drama.

My mum found my old ropes in the hardest to reach place of my closet, who knows the reason for her to be there. That day was filled with many different attempts. The rope had been ready. I had doubts that it would work, the rope was already too thin making it possible to snap from above me. Although I had my other ways. This day had been planned out for months, thinking about it everyday, let me have some sort of relief, knowing that nothing really matters anyway if I’m going to kill myself, so why should I commit to plans and goals? No one is home. I live close to the shops, so I walked down with minimal change in my pocket. I entered the news agency purchasing rubber bands. I and ropes from somewhere else. I can just picture the look on my face when going up to the counter, I wonder if the man had any clue at all. That day was scorching hot, the walk back seemed more tiring then going down. I had my blades, ropes, bag, rubber bands. I guess you’re probably wondering why I didn’t just take pills. I’ve thought this through many times and always come to the same conclusion. My mum takes very strong pills for her, which I wont name. I knew that would be too easy. The amount of times I thought of downing those pills are insane. I love my mum so much and wouldn’t want her to get caught in any trouble for my actions, she would think “if only I hid those pills”. The bag was my last option. This was my first attempt, I had no idea what I was doing, I just wanted to die at that very minute. I self harm, and when I don’t self harm, I think about it. I search numerous articles while sitting on the toilet, pressing bloody tissue to my already scarred skin. I have never cried or flinched really from the pain. I get frustrated for having to hold the tissue, until the bleeding stops. As you’ve probably guessed I’m quite impatient.

I have a scar from that day, the inside of my wrist where you can hear your heartbeat. I used to be able to see the reflection of my own skin, and just stare. Sometimes I get ashamed of my skin or even disgusted. I dreamt of having a future sometimes, but other times I thought that it wasn’t even an option.

I hear the door slam, and I feel all the colour from my face sinks. I’m in my bathroom with bloody tissues that covered the floor. Mum comes in my room and calls out to me. I do my best to cover the scene. One arm foolishly behind me.

I had an interesting childhood… I bet if I told you some of it you wouldn’t believe me. To this day I’m suicidal everyday, but always finding a reason to not go through with it. I have used pills before, but not the kind you’re thinking (Paracetamol). That was the worst throwing up experience I have ever had. Taking 12/13 at once was bound to not stay down. Failing miserably again.

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4 comments

blindaudio 4/2/2020 - 1:26 pm

You know, it sounds like you still have a little fight still left in you. You may not know why but you do, which is a great thing.

I, like you, love to play music. But as enjoyable as it can be, it can also be a little frustrating. In my case, I have a lotof ideas in my head that I may want to write about, but when I actually try to sing them out, the words never come. Sometimes it’s best to take a little break. Find a new hobby to occupy your time. Then come back to the music.

It sounds like you have people in yourlife that care about you. Don’t underestimate those people, and how much they can do for you, and how much you mean to them. People can get you through a lot more than you think.

Try talking to maybe a friend, or someone who you know you can trust with your feelings. I find that that helps a lot for me, when I am feeling down.. . ..

Cause of Death: Suicide 4/2/2020 - 1:32 pm

Once I overdosed with 400 or so pills after being sodomized, my body turned to fire and I began to burn. Ive been sexually abused about 150 or so more times since that day. I’ve had suicide planned for the last decade, with it being all I think about day and night… I really have nothing to say other than I’ve always hated my life and my city and I’ve never found any joy in life, never had faith, never had love in any person, thing, activity. – it’s all been a complete waste of time – so I decided I just as well die but I only worry that when I die it is painless, so I chose suicide by gunshot. I figure you will die on impact so even if the pain is immense at first you will die in a moment and after death you won’t remember the pain nor will you ever feel another thing. I was also caught by my mom when she found my shotgun in the trunk of my car. I was very upset when she found my shotgun because I knew I would have to stay alive indefinitely for absolutely no reason with absolutely nothing and no one to fill up my time.

Cause of Death: Suicide 4/2/2020 - 1:38 pm

Oh I forgot to add it’s been 4 years since she found my shotgun and all I’ve thought about since is how I can get a new one and attempt again. I believed I was going to die on that day 4 years ago, I had been waiting to kill myself that way but had been unable to get a shotgun since 2007… so I finally got my shotgun in 2016 after doing nothing but praying to die every day since 2007……….. then a random whore stole it from me!! That makes 13 years, I have been waiting every day and every night to commit.

hope432 4/2/2020 - 2:53 pm

Please don’t kill yourselves…. I have read your stories. I also have enough spiritual experience and read enough near death experiences + common sense to know that killing yourself does not solve any problem. It only makes things worse. Yes, I know, your lives seem beyond recovery. But there is hope in any situation. With God, anything is possible. I suffered from suicidal ideation and a bunch of mental illnesses and I was also unable to work or have normal human interactions but God cured me from my illnesses. Of course I also used herbal remedies and good music but you can imagine this is not enough and only a miracle done by a higher power (God) can do it, can heal your life from any suffering, can improve your life when everything seems lost. @Blindaudio and @Disorientedlies, would you agree that I may post a couple of very beautiful songs on this website? They are powerful and some of them are spiritual and some very positive. Please, say yes as true music can also make wonders….

“, never had faith, never had love in any person, thing, activity”
@Cause of Death: Suicide, I know your situation is horrible and desperate and seems beyond recovery, but trust me, if a merely human being like me can have so much compassion for you, God has far more love and compassion for you. Only if you could see…. And yes life although a living hell sometimes can be extremely beautiful and a real Heaven!

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