In the end we all die anyways. The only thing we can control is when and how.
Conversation I had and my thoughts:
Question: How have you been feeling lately?
Response: Better.
Unspoken truth: I’m still suicidal, just not drowning in a pit of despair like I was. I don’t feel the urge to jump in front of a semi right now. The sinking feeling has lessened. That’s still better than I was though.
Question: What about the other thing, are you still cutting?
Response: Yes
Question: Why?
Response: I don’t know.
Unspoken truth: I love the feeling, the pain, and the feeling of relief that follows. The high that I get. I’m probably addicted at this point. I love to see the blood and watching it run across my skin, and sometimes the smell of blood reminds me I’m alive. I need to have some control, this is one thing I can control, and it helps me control my feelings. I don’t even want to stop so let’s just pretend that it’s fine.
2 comments
If you like cutting, you should try working out. It hurts the same but the results are better. Also I feel you, hang in there bud i think being suicidal is okay as long as you’re taking measures to prevent yourself from actively killing yourself ie. not own guns, seeing a therapist, engaging in extracurricular activities, you know just keeping busy. We all die eventually, why rush?
I do exercise actually, it does help but it’s not exactly the same, eventually I may want to stop and at that point I will.
Thanks though, I agree that it’s okay as long as you don’t rush it. I believe that when it’s rushed is when you will regret it. That’s why giving yourself time and planning it for the future is a good thing, by the time you are set to go you might have a change of heart. Which has saved me at least a few times, impulsive suicide is much more dangerous.