when it comes back around i have to force myself to get up to take my kid to school. “another five minutes” but not because im tired and dont want to get up, but because my body is physically tired. i just want to lay there forever and not do a single thing. I have to force myself to eat little by little. no matter how hungry my tummy is telling me i am, i feel like throwing up at the thought of eating. today i was driving and jamming out to music when the tears, the uncontrollable tears ran down my face. why? i have no fucking clue. i was never good enough for anyone. especially not myself. i have so much disgust in myself i cant even imagine how others see me. i feel disgust in myself as i clean up my horribly messy room and bathroom because my shit kept piling up. i had no energy to put one thing away, and the one thing kept going and going until i couldnt see my floor anymore, until my dressing was full of trash and dishes, until my bathroom counter was full of trash, my trashcan way overfull. i look so normal on the outside no one ever sees im inside here screaming for help. sometimes i try to make it obvious for my family to see, but nothing. and im too afraid to ask for help or say something because of how judgemental they are. how theyll take my kid away from me or send me off to a mental hospital just like they did to my sister. theyll say im dumb and stupid for thinking mental illness exists. i can just see how annoyed they get every single time i open my mouth. they find something wrong with me every chance they get, no matter how hard i try to make them happy, to please them. i pray to god every single time, to get me out of here. to help me. im in here screaming and no one can see it.