Home Chronic Pain My immediate family is the reason why I’m suffering from emotional numbness and depression
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My immediate family is the reason why I’m suffering from emotional numbness and depression

by Thorium 232

A few months ago I figured out why I’m suffering from emotional numbness and it is because of my parents and older brother. It all started with a chat over Xbox live with my brother who admitted to being a shitty brother for most of my childhood. At first, I didn’t know how to emotionally process it and at that moment I just wanted to change the subject and just play the game and have fun. It was only afterward that I realized why I couldn’t emotionally process what he said and it was because he was a shitty brother for most of my childhood that I suffer from emotional numbness.

My parents aren’t innocent either because they are also responsible for me experiencing emotional numbness. Basically, when we were young my brother would tease me and I would “overreact” because I’m spectrum and instead of my parents punishing him they would almost always say “just ignore him” or they would punish us both. It was this kind of response towards my brother teasing me that made me feel as if it was my fault that he was teasing me. Another factor that has negatively affected me later in life was that my dad pretty much burned the idea of perfectionism into my head when it came to academics meaning that you either did good or you didn’t put in enough effort to satisfy him. Which, I found out later that perfectionism can be a sign of depression. It was only last week that I told my mom that I’m not in a talking mood with my brother because he is responsible for me experiencing emotional numbness. She responded by saying that seems to be a lot to place on somebody’s shoulders, but I told her that she and my dad were also to blame. She said that you need to forgive or some B.S. like that. This is what makes me angry because she said that everything she and dad did was to make me happy and comfortable in life, well they certainly failed at that because if they did then I wouldn’t be experiencing emotional numbness in my young adult years. All of this just pisses me off that she could even think of that and not show any signs of regret or guilt or admit that she made mistakes in my childhood. Not to mention it took someone dying that my brother did not know, whom he tried to save for him to realize that he was a shitty brother for most of my childhood, that he degraded me, accused me of lying most of the time when I didn’t, which made me feel so small and weak. It wouldn’t matter if I beat him in a knowledge argument, because he always had the size advantage. He would ask me why I always wanted to start fights with him and now I know why. It was because of him, every time I tried starting a fight that was me trying to stand up for myself but I would always lose. It doesn’t matter if any of them say that it’s all in the past because the damage has already been done and they don’t know what if feels like to go through that. For that reason, none of them deserve to know of my attempted suicide story because they are partially responsible for why I almost took my own life. Even if they were to find out I would directly tell them that they didn’t deserve to know and that the only people I did tell were ones who did nothing to hurt me in the past.

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6 comments

Sbilko 6/20/2020 - 6:36 am

Look, nobody comes from a perfect household, such a thing doesn’t exist. Those from “perfect” households end up being used to an effortless life anyway, of taking it all for granted.

Our society has become naive in instilling in us that our parents need to take perfect care of us, as if we were incredibly fragile things — completely disregarding that those who come from such households, would have been better without it. Overprotective parents, of their only child, are often the worst tormentors of their child, and those who worst inhibit their child’s development, by metaphorically not letting their child go skateboarding.

I tell you: it’s all in your hands. What your parents did, what your brother did; that was not in your hands — what now is, IS in your hands!!

muspelhem 6/20/2020 - 3:15 pm

As if the only two options are cold, indifferent parents and overprotective parents. Obviously not. Some people are fortunate enough to have parents that give a fuck about them and their healthy development.

And I’m tired of the shitty personal responsibility line that our shitty individualistic society always tosses people who are suffering. No. It is not always your own fault. Neither is it always in your hand. That is quasi-religious self-help B.S. imported from an American culture that is unable to emotionally process negative events, so it has to pretend that everything is fair and everything is in your hands and with the right attitude you can do anything. It’s nonsense.

Sbilko 6/20/2020 - 5:05 pm

I have yet to see a family where no one has problems.

I’m sorry if my words have upset you or caused you dislike in any way, I didn’t mean them as such. I think it was my tone of wording.

muspelhem 6/21/2020 - 10:57 am

Honestly, I was just having a bad day and feeling frustrated because of the nature of my own relationships with my family so I read your comment and got pissed. I don’t think it had a whole lot to do with your comment. It’s just that I’ve heard a lot of people talk about helicopter parenting and coddled millennials etc. and it annoys me. So I kind of took my frustration at what all sorts of other people have said out on your comment. I am sorry.

Sbilko 6/21/2020 - 12:44 pm

Yes, thanks to the media, people’s narratives tend to go around the same topics, I’m sorry if it annoys you. It’s okay, I feel compassion for your pain. If, by venting your frustration, you can become less frustrated, and have a better day, then that’s why I’m here for. I send you lots of Love!

muspelhem 6/22/2020 - 1:49 pm

Yeah, you’re right, it’s also just because I agree with the helicopter parenting thing, but I think it also often involves a lack of actual empathy on the parents’ side, which is replaced with indulgence and overprotection, which isn’t love, I would say, because it harms the kids. But I feel like the media used that to attack millennials. Anyway. Thanks for your kindness. I wish you all the best.

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