A few months ago I figured out why I’m suffering from emotional numbness and it is because of my parents and older brother. It all started with a chat over Xbox live with my brother who admitted to being a shitty brother for most of my childhood. At first, I didn’t know how to emotionally process it and at that moment I just wanted to change the subject and just play the game and have fun. It was only afterward that I realized why I couldn’t emotionally process what he said and it was because he was a shitty brother for most of my childhood that I suffer from emotional numbness.
My parents aren’t innocent either because they are also responsible for me experiencing emotional numbness. Basically, when we were young my brother would tease me and I would “overreact” because I’m spectrum and instead of my parents punishing him they would almost always say “just ignore him” or they would punish us both. It was this kind of response towards my brother teasing me that made me feel as if it was my fault that he was teasing me. Another factor that has negatively affected me later in life was that my dad pretty much burned the idea of perfectionism into my head when it came to academics meaning that you either did good or you didn’t put in enough effort to satisfy him. Which, I found out later that perfectionism can be a sign of depression. It was only last week that I told my mom that I’m not in a talking mood with my brother because he is responsible for me experiencing emotional numbness. She responded by saying that seems to be a lot to place on somebody’s shoulders, but I told her that she and my dad were also to blame. She said that you need to forgive or some B.S. like that. This is what makes me angry because she said that everything she and dad did was to make me happy and comfortable in life, well they certainly failed at that because if they did then I wouldn’t be experiencing emotional numbness in my young adult years. All of this just pisses me off that she could even think of that and not show any signs of regret or guilt or admit that she made mistakes in my childhood. Not to mention it took someone dying that my brother did not know, whom he tried to save for him to realize that he was a shitty brother for most of my childhood, that he degraded me, accused me of lying most of the time when I didn’t, which made me feel so small and weak. It wouldn’t matter if I beat him in a knowledge argument, because he always had the size advantage. He would ask me why I always wanted to start fights with him and now I know why. It was because of him, every time I tried starting a fight that was me trying to stand up for myself but I would always lose. It doesn’t matter if any of them say that it’s all in the past because the damage has already been done and they don’t know what if feels like to go through that. For that reason, none of them deserve to know of my attempted suicide story because they are partially responsible for why I almost took my own life. Even if they were to find out I would directly tell them that they didn’t deserve to know and that the only people I did tell were ones who did nothing to hurt me in the past.