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The tightening spiral

by tightspiral

It’s been 5 years since everything fell apart, that’s when the spiral started and now I finally want to end it. I’ve tried to loosen the spiral, like unscrewing a screw, but it only gets tighter. I’ve been to many different therapies. I’ve tried getting help. But no one listens. It’s as if I’m screaming but no one can hear me. Like I’m behind a glass wall where I can see everyone, but everyone can’t see me. I don’t make friends very easily, and when I do they often leave. My mom and I have a very unstable relationship. I’m alone all the time. I’m scared all the time. I’m sad all the time. My depression and anxiety consume me. My eating habits are just as unstable as the rest of me. I want to die so bad. No one can help me…literally. My parents tried sending me to the mental hospital a little over a year ago and they told me I was “hypersensitive” and sent me home. How can you say that to someone with cuts all over them? It’s like the universe is doing everything in it’s power to keep me from being fixed. Currently things aren’t that bad, but I know it’s just an illusion. The universe’s way of some twisted joke. Here have some happiness, oh just kidding here’s your shit life again. I’ve seen it before and I’m not falling for it again. So even when I’m supposed to be happy I can;t because I know time is ricking before everything blows up in my face again. I just want to fade away. Like the energy of a star right after it explodes. It sounds comforting. They tell you you’re whole life “suicide isn’t the answer” or “it’ a temporary solution for a temporary problem”. The thing is, it’s not up to them to decide. They don’t know if it’s temporary or if things will be okay. It’s just what they say because they don’t know what else to say. But really, what do you say to a 16 year old girl who wants to die? Anyways I’m not expecting any response to this. It isn’t a cry for help or a desperate grasp for pity. Just needed to get it out there I guess.

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Sbilko 6/24/2020 - 11:17 am

I’m really sorry for all your pains and sorrows, for your depression and the lack of someone to hear you. Here you can express it and be understood by the people here, for they’re going through it too, so it’s great that you’re here! It was truly brave of you to seek help! You’ve been screaming at the glass wall, but they don’t hear you; try screaming upwards instead, to the person above, for there is no ceiling.

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