ive always said that ive got my depression under control. that ill never act on my suicidal thoughts. but sometimes i cant help to think about the moment i cant take it anymore and take my life on an impulse decision. not thinking about it, not preparing for it, not leaving letters. what if one day it just happens. ill have no control over my body and what i do.
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I can relate to what you are going through because when I almost took my own life, it was on an impulse. No planning ahead, no writing letters to leave behind for anyone to find, and not thinking of consequences. Sometimes I wonder if my negative thoughts will take over and I’ll kill myself on an impulse without thinking, so know that you are not alone when it comes to this.
I can also relate to the feeling that if it happens, it will be impulsive, spur of the moment. Along those lines, I’ve pretty much got most everything prepared, in terms of how things will be handled – cremation, financial accounts, the like. I don’t seem to be able to devise a plan with a set date as some do, and am historically rather impulsive, and as I age my ability to deal with this upside down world is diminishing tremendously. When I slide into the fantasy of an impulsive act that spells my end, it’s actually a very pleasant feeling. A moment of insanity as a psychological trigger drives me to act, and in less than three seconds, it’s done….ahhh, now that’s refreshing!