i have no where else to say this. a few days ago i called my dad out on making racist comments/jokes. he was not happy at all. my son is half black so it is unacceptable to me. i don’t care if it’s jokes to him it’s simply not what i want my son to grow up hearing. so anyways it’s been a few days later and we have not spoken. which i am okay with. he doesn’t realize his toxic behaviors towards me. it sucks i live hear and under certain circumstances i am stuck here. i am stuck forever or at least for another 14 years. i wanna run. far. but i never want to leave my son with this toxic figure. i love my dad during the good times. but he’s taken my happiness. i’m empty. i’m numb. i am so depressed. i don’t know where this was even going at i just needed to jot it down somewhere. i’m trapped in this place. having to put a fake smile on every god damn day. but when that door shuts behind me i’m contemplating taking my life.
2 comments
2 comments
I think this is the perfect outlet for what you needed to say. I grew up with racism so I know first hand how it can negatively impact a person’s life directly and indirectly. You were 100% in the right by saying something to your father, father or not. Sometimes family can hurt and damage you the most.. It sucks your stuck in a situation where you can not leave your father’s home. Have you explored all your options? I know there are a lot of support groups out there that help people in your situation. Take the time and do some research, I don’t know your exact situation on why you can’t leave for 14yrs, but I know there’s always an alternative to raising your child in a negative environment. I don’t think taking your life is the answer at all, especially since you have a child.. Do what it right for your child and make an effort to find an alternative solution. I know what its like to feel trapped and I know what its like to try and take your own life. If your tryinging to protect your child than killing yourself is not the answer. Believe me I know draining it can be to have to put on a fake smile everyday, I have been doing it all my life… There is a better option out there I promise..
My dad was an azzhole, I only learned this when I lived with him as a kid. Eventually I couldn’t tolerate him any longer so I moved back with my mom and I was happier after.
I’m guessing your boyfriend or spouse is not in your life. Frankly it’d be good if you could live with him and leave your dad’s house.
Living on your own would be the best. You’ll find you could also become good friends with your dad after, assuming he’s a decent person. Either way you’d be better off if you didn’t have to stay with him.