Do you know how hard it is to meet new people these days? It’s next to impossible, especially if you’re a guy. Try online dating sites? Women get bombarded with messages at a ratio of like 100:1. Good luck breaking through that wall.
So I live with this chick – roommate, I have a thing for her. Her boyfriend did live here, but he choked her out to the point she nearly passed out and I escorted him out myself.
About eight months later, she’s still seeing him, still getting routinely battered by him, and even despite knowing I like her.. okay, you’ve probably heard this story before. I know I have. And it’s bullshit. How in the hell does happen so often? I don’t want to blame the woman because I do like her, and I can understand why she wants to make it work with this guy, but it’s insanity from my point of view. And put yourself in my position – what do I do? She says she likes me, too, but that’s clearly not enough to cause any rupture in the status quo here. And the alternatives? Well, I could kick her out and get rid of the one source of human contact I have outside of work. I’ve been doing my level best to try and meet someone else, someone who is hopefully not caught up in this kind of insane drama that might pull me out of it just by her simple presence, but as stated in that first paragraph, it’s like trying to lob rocks over the grand canyon. Equally tough luck meeting anyone locally – small town, limited options, no transportation etc.. I’ll have days where we spend good quality time together hanging out and I’ll come out of it feeling more confident, better, happier, only to have that eroded away by the long delays in txt replies, or having her tell me the awful shit her boyfriend is bombing her with at the moment. It’s absurd, so very absurd.
Just… fuck my life.
15 comments
You’re a member of The Friend Zone. A deadly place for the male in these situations. I’ve been in The Friend Zone too. It sucks. It’s like going to the carnival but not being allowed on any rides, and the only carnival food you can have is peanuts.
sucks what you’re going through but heres the thing. nobody is obligated to like anyone romantically, no matter how much youve defended them or given them shelter or food or even money. sucks when you like someone but they don’t like you back, but in every such case, the smart move is to cut them loose and find someone who likes you without you having to convince them.
You don’t say. I’m not bitching because I want to be with her. I’m ranting because a borderline homicidal narcissist has her wrapped around his finger. He’s almost killed her several times already, broken ribs, black eyes, crushed windpipe at one point. I’m not anywhere near as interested in my own advancement here as his exodus. I’m happy being her friend, but would of course prefer to be more than that. I’ll take what I can get. On a side note, I can recognize that a lot of the problem I’m personally having with this situation stems from needing some human contact very badly, sexual or otherwise. It’s all relative. Some kind of basic validation. I’d like to untangle it but it’s damn hard when I have these stupid hormones and emotions running roughshod over my critical thinking faculties. I wouldn’t even think about trying to make a move on her for at least a year after they break up, assuming they ever do. I just don’t know how I can help her without feeling like I’m both enabling it, and contributing to it myself. I’ve had moments over the last few weeks alone where my hunting rifle looks awfully inviting. That would definitely end my side of the issue pretty quickly, but it wouldn’t help her much, if at all.
And from past experience, to get out of the friendzone, you have to start playfully toying with the girl – it’s all about the subtle flirting – don’t keep it boring and perfectly respectful, but don’t act creepy about it. I’m just not about to stick my hand into that beehive right now. Odds are good I’d come off as both creepy and clingy. Nope. No thanks. My sexual status is nowhere near the most important factor here. It’s only relevant because it makes me act like a twatish little idiot. I’m not by any stretch a virgin and it pisses me off when I feel like I’m acting that way. 10 years is a long time. My mind is definitely not in the right place for this, but she has nowhere else to go, and neither do I.
I hear ya, and I hope I didn’t come across as preachy or dismissive. The fact is, she’s being stupid and it’s frustrating to watch, especially if you have emotional ties to the girl.
I suppose we all cling to abusive situations when you get down to it. She’s clinging to the douchebag. We cling to depression. One might even make the case that you are clinging to the idea of happiness with this girl because it’s the closest shot you have. Like you said, you’re needing some human contact desperately, and she’s the only thing in sight. So it makes sense to want to make it work, even though she herself is trying to make a different relationship work with some guy who (to her) is her best chance of human contact.
In an alternate universe, she would wake up and see that you could fill that role. But dude in an alternate universe we wouldn’t be on a site dedicated to suicide. Everything is fkd up.
To be clear here, I’m pretty sure I could get together with her and be a wedge between them if I put my mind to it – stupidly tall order, but not impossible.. probably would require a hooker or two, or at the very least a bar floozy. I’ve done it before in a situation a lot like this (didn’t need the hooker/floozy at that point). The problem is that white knights are never a solid foundation to build anything meaningful on, except maybe for the girl. Under the right circumstances, she might move to a more healthy track, and ultimately I suppose that’s what counts. In this case, I’d rather keep her as a friend who’s alive, and not miserable, or sacrificing every square inch of her personality on the altar of some narcissist’s ideal woman. Her personality is too… soothing? Interesting? Beautiful? Some damn adjective has got to fit, but you know what I mean.
You aren’t wrong, though. She sees him as her only hope for human contact, but not for the reasons you’d think. She stayed in the apartment after I had evicted her boyfriend because she wanted to distance herself from him. At first, she was adamant about never seeing him again. I didn’t know her well enough to have a ‘thing’ for her outside the vague, typical hormonal compulsions you’d expect from a guy who hasn’t gotten any in a decade. Easily ignored. But this guy, well.. he’s stalkerish, bombards her with text messages, invades her facebook feeds (has reset codes for most of her social media accounts), goes to extreme lengths to ruin her reputation when she doesn’t comply with his wants, runs her down in the most sadistic ways imaginable, and generally makes the abuse she was getting when they were together look trivial in contrast. He even jumped her when she was walking her dog in the park (worst episode she ever had with him since living here). And she’s reluctant to go to law enforcement or the courts for help because she’s frequently on the wrong side of those institutions due to laws that should probably not exist which contribute to a bloated carceral system. Heh. I don’t blame her. I don’t trust the fuzz either. But it makes this shit very much more stupid.
I don’t even know. honestly. I’m not sure what I’m looking for posting this. Maybe just ranting for my own sake, to get the shit out somewhere. I have this crap just bouncing around inside my skull and no outlets, and all the stress is going to kill me before that stupid rifle would get the chance.
holy fck where were you 4 years ago when I ruined my life attempting to be the “white knight”. You said it: “white knights are never a solid foundation to build anything meaningful on”
No need to expound on that. Anyone who’s been there gets it. Anyone who hasn’t been there will learn, painfully.
but just for kicks, the hooker idea would be fun. Save the girl and ruin the douchebag’s life, then ride off into the sunset by your fkcing self.
I was talking to my buddy about that earlier today, actually. It’s shitty to use a method like that to get my hormones under control, but it would probably work. I mean, part of the problem right now is that I can’t think about things clearly when I want to hump her leg every time I see it like some juvenile rottweiler. It’s hard enough resisting the urge to say/do incredibly stupid things as it is. That compulsion just goes off the rails when I see something attractive in someone I spend a lot of time with. I guess it’s a normal response to lacking any meaningful physical/emotional validation for so long. I kept it under control before by working constantly and dealing with other people’s drama in what free time I had left over. That’s a panacea for getting rid of your sex drive. Just bask in the insane depravity that are other people’s relationships. Not only will your libido disappear, but so will any interest in ever having kids. And damn it all, would you look at that, I’m actually starting to think being a dad might not be such a horrifying idea. See how smashed my resolve has become? It’s a sad thing. I spent so much time tamping this stuff down and folding it neatly and stacking it in a corner, and now it’s all crumpled up and laying all over the floor like confetti on New Years. God, I need help.
I’m leaning towards getting her ex in trouble for violating his parole. That should also be an easy solution if I play my cards right. She might not want to call the cops on him, but I have no problem doing it, even if she might get furious at me after the fact. I just need to be a social spy for a bit and get some information on what he’s up to. If I go that route, it’s possible I could get him to look really bad in her eyes, or to scare the shit out of him enough that he’ll leave her alone. Eh.. I got some options, I guess. The hooker one does sound pretty tempting, though. I mean, goddamnit, I need the validation, too, even if I have to pay for it. Heh. This whole situation has me so far from anything I’d think of as normal that I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Five years ago if you had asked me if I would consider hiring a prostitute, I’d have slapped you silly and told you that I didn’t even want the physical contact, but definitely not if it’s an employee-employer arrangement. I ‘d think that sounded degrading and probably humiliating to both me and whoever I might hire. Now, all I can think of is holding someone, feeling their warmth, listening to them breathe, and how absolutely comforting that would be. You know, just briefly feeling some kind of connection with someone beyond basic emotional warmth. Even if it’s imaginary and a performance for a paycheck. Brains are stupid and have a hard time telling reality from illusion, and that would be a clearly utilitarian effort. Just playing make-believe for the sake of my sanity.
well fck now you’ve done it, you brought up the philosophical, pragmatic value of the libido. I think we can all agree that the rottweiler-puppy-leg-humping desire is probably the most powerful force of nature. Emperors and civilizations have fallen over the need to get your rocks off. But at the same time, emperors and civilizations have been built on the same stuff.
I dunno. Obviously I’m no expert in making a successful or even tolerable life. But I can agree that the libido, or “love”, or the raging hormones of a 15 year old kid, is what makes the world go round. For better or worse. Sounds like you have an intelligent grasp of what’s going on. The rest is drama, and drama can be fun.
Or you know this is a serious suggestion, find that hooker but hire her for yourself, open a bottle of chardonnay and tell her your troubles, fully clothed, then pay her the 200 bucks and leave her with something to think about, as you return to whatever life is in store for you. Idk man. Just make it interesting and come back with details so we can live vicariously. The only sexy thing in my field of vision right now is a mushroom pizza.
Mushroom pizza sounds good. All I really want is some peanut butter whiskey and maybe a tuna sandwich. Ugh. I’m going target shooting with some friends later. It’s a good distraction, but my roommate is supposed to drive me to work and I’m worried I might have dun gone and said some stuff to her last night that I’ll wish had stayed between my ears, without even realizing it. Mania, baby, type those thoughts and hit send then think about it a second. You know? I mean, I am a mess right now. You have no idea.
I’m quite similar to you situationally. You seem very passive, and I think I’m actually more passive.
I understand you’re worried for her wellbeing. Its strange girls stay with guys like that.. nice girls falling for jerks in a constant phenomenon. Very strange and unfortunate.
if you’re passive, the polar opposite would be active. What does it mean to be either of those things? Eventually we’ll all go on to be food for insects and topsoil, and I figure the less unnecessary energy expended on menial tribal nonsense, the better the life I might live in its absence.
I returned to this post because I just got friendzoned hard. To the point where they treat someone who treats them worse better than they treat you.
Maybe I’m wrong, but might you be directing your hurt at being rejected by her onto her unpleasant boyfriend?
Honestly, it sounds to me like she takes you for granted and uses you to offload problems she creates for herself by dating him. Which is selfish and unfair to you.
If I were you, I would look for someone where there is mutual attraction, and someone who respects you.
By the sound of it, she does not. Her behavior is at the very least inconsiderate, presuming she is aware of your feelings for her.
I agree with you. I have a hard time with this situation because it’s convenient. She’s here, and I know as soon as her boyfriend and her have another blowup and she comes limping home with a black eye and dislocated shoulder, we’ll get some quality time binge-watching House M.D. or some other stupid tv show (assuming I’m not manic or having a psychotic episode, heh.. the day that happens will be a scary one).
But the question of looking for someone else is a long shot. I don’t get out much, outside work and the grocery store . My life is a myopic little thing right now and I’m not sure how to expand it without turning myself into a nervous wreck.
I understand. I’m struggling to leave the girl who friendzoned me alone. It’s so tempting to text her and ask what’s up.
Does your flatmate have female friends? That might be a way in?