I’ve made connection with others impossible. Because of the things that I’ve done, and seen, and cultivated within myself. Nobody could see the truth about me and still want anything to do with me. At least, no one morally sane. No one I would want in my life.
Evil is an emotive term. Let’s say that I’m sick. I’ve made myself sick. I’ve grown this side of myself that finds pleasure in wickedness. And I don’t think that’s something that’s ever going away. It’s not something you can unlearn. It’s a key part of reality – once you’ve seen it, you can’t forget.
The things I’ve seen, and felt – they’re incompatible with a decent society. Repulsion is the logical response.
So I can’t let anyone see this twistedness in me. I have to pretend, and keep that side of myself on a leash.
I don’t want to deceive others into caring about the pretend me. The me that is harmless. I don’t want to contaminate the lives of good people by involving them with my corruption.
But I also long for connection – to be seen, understood, accepted – even as I recognize that it’s not possible.
So…I’m not really sure what I’m doing here. I’ve made it impossible to pursue a meaningful life. I’m still holding on to the idea of it, without having any way to move towards it.
I don’t know which is worse – to attempt to deceive others into caring for me, and suffer the guilt, fear, and loneliness that result. Or to remain in complete isolation – and suffer the longing, regret, and loneliness that accompany that path.