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no one knows

by thehusk

I’ve made connection with others impossible. Because of the things that I’ve done, and seen, and cultivated within myself. Nobody could see the truth about me and still want anything to do with me. At least, no one morally sane. No one I would want in my life.

Evil is an emotive term. Let’s say that I’m sick. I’ve made myself sick. I’ve grown this side of myself that finds pleasure in wickedness. And I don’t think that’s something that’s ever going away. It’s not something you can unlearn. It’s a key part of reality – once you’ve seen it, you can’t forget.

The things I’ve seen, and felt – they’re incompatible with a decent society. Repulsion is the logical response.

So I can’t let anyone see this twistedness in me. I have to pretend, and keep that side of myself on a leash.

I don’t want to deceive others into caring about the pretend me. The me that is harmless. I don’t want to contaminate the lives of good people by involving them with my corruption.

But I also long for connection – to be seen, understood, accepted – even as I recognize that it’s not possible.

So…I’m not really sure what I’m doing here. I’ve made it impossible to pursue a meaningful life. I’m still holding on to the idea of it, without having any way to move towards it.

I don’t know which is worse – to attempt to deceive others into caring for me, and suffer the guilt, fear, and loneliness that result. Or to remain in complete isolation – and suffer the longing, regret, and loneliness that accompany that path.

7 comments
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7 comments

beautifulsinner 8/31/2020 - 5:55 pm

Let people care for you, we long for connection, digging yourself a hole of emptiness will make it worse

thehusk 8/31/2020 - 7:17 pm

Ah, but I deeply wrong anyone I deceive into caring for me. As well as putting them at risk of great distress if the truth ever came out. And I don’t know if it would even provide a feeling of connection, given it would be built on lies.

SwimmingPearls 8/31/2020 - 10:24 pm

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Teresa's Child 9/1/2020 - 6:01 pm

Hey Husk,
I wrote a long response to this about how everyone is evil, but I deleted it because I know you still believe in the dichotomy, and this undefinable “goodness” (still don’t know what that is, as no one seems to be able to define it and explain why their definition holds any weight).

So instead, I’ll say this. In Christianity, God judges us after we’ve finished living out our lives. What gives you the right to judge yourself before you’ve finished your own story? Do your best, live your life out, and let God be the judge at the end of the day.

Don’t worry. I don’t think you’re going anywhere all that bad, given what I know of you and what I know of humans at large. Maybe you’ll just get the fiery lake treatment once a month, as opposed to all the time, and the other days it’ll just be a hot bath.

thehusk 9/1/2020 - 9:56 pm

I would say everyone has the capacity for evil, but few fully realize it. I guess in this context ‘goodness’ would be someone far enough away from being tempted to unfairly exploit others.

I judge myself as the world would judge me, though I don’t carry out their sentence. I presume a Christian God would take the same view. I don’t know what ‘my best’ would be, or what kind of life to live.

pinkbaby331 9/3/2020 - 1:15 pm

Im very spiritual, so are you talking about evil on a higher level? I have seen past the veil and sure that might sound crazy but I’ve never experimented with any darkness in fear of corrupting my soul, but is the darkness where we are right now, are we all just tearing through it trying to prove we are light in a dark world? I’m very interested in how you view the world honestly. All I can say on a positive note is that you can change this or use it for a better purpose if possible.

Emmerson79 9/3/2020 - 5:12 pm

Hello, I’ve read you’re into esotericism, are spiritual and also have seen past the veil. I am curious what it is you saw. Have you any experience with third eye or your Akashic Records ? I ask as this is the route I went and the veil thinned which enabled me to see and experience things I had no idea of previously . Comparing notes may help answer more questions.

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