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Give it to me

by beautifulsinner

I’m numb. I really don’t feel much and I am constantly thinking of ways to die. All the time. All the fucking time. But what’s stopping me? Lots is actually. But I know that won’t last long. I know it’ll get worse and that I’ll try and kill myself again. I know it. It’s been like this for the last 4 years. I don’t know if I have the strength to break the pattern. I really don’t. Give me something tangible to hold onto. Give me something real. Give me something that will actually stop me this time.

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4 comments

i_morph 9/17/2020 - 7:08 pm

you didnt say that much. do you want to share your story?

i haven t try it yet, but im sure if i do it would be one way with no return. i am MD, so i know how it works, i guess.

i dont want to give you some reason to continue, i dont know your story, maybe you should really “do it”.

but if you think you dont deserve to be finished now, that “something tangible” you are looking for is not exactly outside. it can be stupid or profound, but anyway it is man-made. sorry if it doesnt help.

i will check.

ciao

beautifulsinner 9/19/2020 - 7:03 pm

my story isnt exactly the best of stories as, well, there isnt much of a story to tell. i come from a home with loving parents and i have very supportive and loving friends. but for some reason, some unknown reason i want to die. and i dont know why. i have been hospitalized 4 times and the thought of death is one that is constantly on my mind. i want to shake it and find something to hold on to to keep me here. but unfortunately i continue to search and not find anything to hold onto. i want something to stop me this time, all i need is one good reason and i will not do it. but i cant seem to find that reason.

bloodless 9/20/2020 - 2:21 am

Your post, something about what you said and how you said it, really connected with me. It’s that feeling of desperately treading water, waiting for rescue, a raft, a log, anything, because you don’t know how much longer you can stay afloat. Or if you even want to stay afloat.

Have you ever had something real? Something that made you feel like living, even for a passing moment? If you’ve ever known that feeling, can you find your way back to it somehow?

beautifulsinner 9/21/2020 - 6:19 pm

i dont know if i ever have. i wasnt always suicidal, but i dont know what kept me on earth and happy during those times. i let reality slip through my hands when i feel like this and i feel like there is nothing that i can hold on to. it really does feel like i am drowning. overwhelmed and surrounded by something i cant get a grip on, slowly sinking …

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