I’m stuck in a very strange position. It seems that overall my life is not worth living, so from a purely self-interested point of view I should probably kill myself. But I’m still very much attached to the idea of life, and afraid of death. So I instinctively don’t want to do it. I also believe that it would devastate my family, likely causing them greater suffering than I’m in now. So I also shouldn’t do it from an objective moral viewpoint, at least as long as my parents are still alive and so invested in me.
But when they pass on, or when something gets significantly worse, then I should do it. So I should be trying to overcome my attachments, and my fear of death, so that I’m ready, when that time comes, along with preparing my method. But I have no real idea how to go about that, and I feel very little motivation to do so, because the parts of me that don’t want to die are still strong.
I have very little motivation to do anything. I don’t want to die, but I don’t much want to continue living like this either. And I don’t really believe that a worthwhile life is possible for me. It’s this weird in between space.