I am my own worst enemy

I allow myself to suffer when I know I deserve better. I feel as though i put myself through unnecessary pain. I allow others to hurt me, i hurt myself. Why cant i stop?!!! Im hurting physically, mentally and emotionally. I have taken several pills and mixed them with alcohol. I hope that it takes affect soon. I fear thar if i try and take my life again that i will fail and i cant handle that again. So i just want to numb the pain i wish for my death to be soon. I purchased life insurance and it will take affect starting february. So i wouldnt be a burden after it will cover my debts and my funeral. There is nothing more i want from life other than to cease to live it. Im a coward i cant kill myself in a brutal way. I cant leave my relative uncared for. I want to be selfish i want to die a quick death and not worry about what im leaving behind. I want to stop suffering