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emotional debilitation

by system

I’m so tired.

Partially because the ~6 or so hours of sleep I get are of abysmal quality, but I mostly attribute my exhaustion to me being sick.  I’m so fucking sick.  I’m so exhausted all the time,  the nightmares and night terrors plague me and I spend a significant amount of my day thinking about the awful dreams or worrying that it’s some kind of “sign” or “warning,” as if I have precognition or some shit (I know it’s stupid, I don’t know why my anxiety seems to make me delusional to an extent).  The effects of my PTSD are fucking debilitating.  The dissociation kills me.  I often depersonalize and I’m looking at the world through tunnel vision, it feels like I’m in a first-person VR video game and I’m looking down.  My hands aren’t mine, everything feels strange and unreal.

“Okay, I’m sick
Not the kind of sick that lands you in the doctor
Not the kind that makes you weak and then heals you stronger
It’s the kind of sick that turns your legs into spaghetti
It’s the kind of sick that makes your blood burn and your bones heavy
The kind of sick that makes an atheist pray for Jesus
The kind of sickness that turns your power into weakness
And I’m sick of being sick for this whole fucking place to witness
And I’m living a sick life that most people call privileged
And they’re kinda right, but I’m still sicker than I can cope with”

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12 comments

Once 2/9/2021 - 1:29 am

Have you had these nightmares all your life? I’d also be terrified of sleep if I was dealing with the scenario you describe.

system 2/9/2021 - 1:54 am

I’ve been having them since I was 14

Once 2/9/2021 - 1:32 am

Night terrors…I rarely have nightmares, fortunately, but do have night terrors occasionally and it’s so surreal to be conscious and asleep simultaneously. Are you powerless during that phase, unable to move or determine what the hell is going on?

system 2/9/2021 - 1:58 am

it’s a horrible feeling, I’m still in my dream, but my actions are reflected in real life, and I KNOW I’m dreaming but I can’t get out. All I can do is cry and kick and scream until someone comes into my room to try and shock me into waking up

Idfk anymore, I'm just here I guess 2/9/2021 - 8:01 pm

Excuse me but what are night terrors?

system 2/9/2021 - 9:02 pm

I am so relieved that you don’t know what they are because that implies you’ve never had one. But, I could be wrong, so I’ll give you the cookie cutter definition:
“Sleep terrors are episodes of screaming, intense fear and flailing while still asleep.”
https://www.healthline.com/health/night-terrors-in-adults#symptoms
here’s a more in depth description ^

Idfk anymore, I'm just here I guess 2/10/2021 - 2:26 pm

Huh. I was just wondering because your description of them reminded me of my disease. “It’s a horrible feeling, I’m still in my dream, but my actions are reflected in real life, and I KNOW I’m dreaming but I can’t get out.” Except nobody can wake me up.

JudgeMeNot 2/9/2021 - 1:57 am

Yeahh

system 2/9/2021 - 2:03 am

yup

evianwatre 2/9/2021 - 3:12 am

I used to get these nightmares a lot too. maybe melatonin will help? this is such a mundane suggestion, but it helped for me. The least we can do is to improve our sleep quality, we deserve it.

system 2/9/2021 - 1:32 pm

!! I’m glad to see that you’re okay! I saw someone worrying about you, wondering if you were alive still. And I’ve been using CBD more than melatonin, it works better for me

Mf 2/9/2021 - 10:34 pm

I was going to suggest Tryptophan, but yeah, CBD is a lot better, both helped me with sleep issues tho (not specifically night terrors, but i get those from time to time).

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