my early childhood. back then, when my sadness was not my default emotion. back then, when i had everything. when the world was beautiful. when i wasn’t running on empty. when things were ok. when i was ok. when my household was happy and perfect. everything was perfect. before my disorders started to show up.
yet, that feeling of happiness has become so fleeting, so foreign. i have yet to re-experience the bliss and carelessness i had as a young child. so many things that i cannot remember. but i think back, and i remember how i used to smile. i had a best friend. i spent time outside. i wasn’t tainted. i had not been exposed to the cruelty of this earth but there was only so much time until i would discover the truth of humanity.
i grieve for that peaceful time. i only had a little under 8 years of a childhood. why did it have to go wrong? why did i have to fall into the jaws of a predator?