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grieving for things i hardly remember

by system

my early childhood.  back then, when my sadness was not my default emotion.  back then, when i had everything.  when the world was beautiful.  when i wasn’t running on empty.  when things were ok.  when i was ok.  when my household was happy and perfect.  everything was perfect.  before my disorders started to show up.

yet, that feeling of happiness has become so fleeting, so foreign.  i have yet to re-experience the bliss and carelessness i had as a young child.  so many things that i cannot remember.  but i think back, and i remember how i used to smile. i had a best friend.  i spent time outside.  i wasn’t tainted.  i had not been exposed to the cruelty of this earth but there was only so much time until i would discover the truth of humanity.

i grieve for that peaceful time.  i only had a little under 8 years of a childhood.  why did it have to go wrong?  why did i have to fall into the jaws of a predator?

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Abnormal.Thoughts 2/24/2021 - 9:22 am

There has to be a better way to work through these things and come back to yourself. To feel alive and untainted.

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