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it wasn’t the uncanny this time

by system

i’m in a place where i am mentally unable to handle anything.  schoolwork feels like trying to roll a boulder up a mountain.  functioning in general, actually.  i feel so isolated.  my friends aren’t as responsive as they used to be when we were all in treatment together…  i just feel like shit.  i haven’t been able to even work up the motivation to finish my paintings (which are way past due).  i have a reading response due tomorrow (600 words) and i haven’t even been able to figure out what the fuck i’m going to say about this passage from Walden.  he contradicts himself every other line, how am i supposed to explain what “rhetoric” he’s using?  seems like Thoreau himself doesn’t even know!

i had yet another nightmare last night.  i tried to make up for lost sleep by taking a nap during my free-period but i ended up giving up when a nightmare started (I was half awake, it was weird).  it was about some murderer named Calamity? i don’t even know.  i was in a stranger environment this time, not the usual uncanny version of my house.  this time, it looked nothing like where i live.  it was some hoity-toity rich-person house in a gated community.  there was a tennis court next to the backyard (the tennis court was for everyone in the community) and there was a pool (again, public to anyone who lived there).  there were some random kids i didn’t know and their mum… it wasn’t their house but it wasn’t mine either.  i remember being really anxious because nobody was listening to me when i was telling them “lock the doors” and whatnot… and everyone was being really secretive about the location of Calamity and where the attacks were occurring.  they weren’t telling me because they were worrying about making me panic.  all that did was tell me that it was clearly in the area i was in.  i kept pestering my parents to drive all of us back home.  for some reason that wasn’t an option… maybe we were at the weird house because it was happening near my house?  i know all of this sounds really stupid and “oh that’s not scary” but it’s hard to explain the feelings i was having and it was a lot more chaotic than im able to describe.  i know this storyline and i know how it would have ended had i not gotten up before falling completely asleep.

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3 comments

Mf 2/10/2021 - 11:42 pm

Yup, people come and go, and tend to get somewhat distant when you don’t share close bonds to them, just a few stay (which could be considered actual friends) unless they need something from you. Sadly that gets even more noticeable the more you age, but it’s just one of those things you end up accepting as “normal”. Just got a reminder of this today when someone i knew contacted me out of nowhere… just to ask a favor, which is all she ever did, lol.

As for motivation… i don’t really paint, but i draw pretty often, sometimes for several hours a day everyday, only to stop for weeks. What i’ve noticed works to fight lack of motivation is just to start doing it, and usually things flow after a while of “struggle” (for the lack of a better word), if they don’t at least you’ve tried, which is a win on it’s own. And well, you do have Thoreau’s example that artists do struggle (he contradicts himself, which could be the basis for your reading response).

Once 2/11/2021 - 10:46 pm

You certainly have very involved dreams, if not the events taking place in them, then your interpretation of them. It sounds like there are control, or lack of control, issues manifesting themselves in them. Do you fear losing, or not being in, control? As for it sounding not scary, you’re right…to me, it sounds strange, but not frightening, but fright is subjective, and being unsure of an unusual situation, real or dreamt, can wreak emotional havoc. Plus, there’s the “night terror” aspect (even though this was a daytime event for you) of being partially awake – that doesn’t help at all.

system 2/11/2021 - 11:51 pm

i have a history of being blackmailed and being trapped with abusers, so that’s where the fear of losing control comes from.

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