i’m in a place where i am mentally unable to handle anything. schoolwork feels like trying to roll a boulder up a mountain. functioning in general, actually. i feel so isolated. my friends aren’t as responsive as they used to be when we were all in treatment together… i just feel like shit. i haven’t been able to even work up the motivation to finish my paintings (which are way past due). i have a reading response due tomorrow (600 words) and i haven’t even been able to figure out what the fuck i’m going to say about this passage from Walden. he contradicts himself every other line, how am i supposed to explain what “rhetoric” he’s using? seems like Thoreau himself doesn’t even know!
i had yet another nightmare last night. i tried to make up for lost sleep by taking a nap during my free-period but i ended up giving up when a nightmare started (I was half awake, it was weird). it was about some murderer named Calamity? i don’t even know. i was in a stranger environment this time, not the usual uncanny version of my house. this time, it looked nothing like where i live. it was some hoity-toity rich-person house in a gated community. there was a tennis court next to the backyard (the tennis court was for everyone in the community) and there was a pool (again, public to anyone who lived there). there were some random kids i didn’t know and their mum… it wasn’t their house but it wasn’t mine either. i remember being really anxious because nobody was listening to me when i was telling them “lock the doors” and whatnot… and everyone was being really secretive about the location of Calamity and where the attacks were occurring. they weren’t telling me because they were worrying about making me panic. all that did was tell me that it was clearly in the area i was in. i kept pestering my parents to drive all of us back home. for some reason that wasn’t an option… maybe we were at the weird house because it was happening near my house? i know all of this sounds really stupid and “oh that’s not scary” but it’s hard to explain the feelings i was having and it was a lot more chaotic than im able to describe. i know this storyline and i know how it would have ended had i not gotten up before falling completely asleep.