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who am i really living for?

by system

the only reason i haven’t offed myself is because the people around me keep pleading me not to.  why?  why do they care?  my ex came to my house last night around 1 am because he was worried about me.  He rang the doorbell and woke my parents, but luckily they went back to sleep.  He walked to my house.  At midnight.  In the cold.  why do they care?  I was on the phone with him for 2 hours telling him to go home but he was refusing to do so until he was convinced that I was safe.  I just want to be gone.  let me be gone.  let me disappear.  I’m so fucking tired.  I’m exhausted.  let me sleep.  let me rest.  why am I living for other people.  I don’t want to be alive, other people want me alive.  That’s akin to letting a very sick elderly person die a painful death instead of respecting their request to pull them off of life support.

 

edit: please don’t bring religion into this, i really don’t want to hear it. the question was rhetorical.

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10 comments

blue_dude15 2/18/2021 - 2:13 am

It seems that the people around you care about you a lot. Because they love you, they don`t want you to go. Its as simple as that, though you probably already know this.

system 2/18/2021 - 2:15 am

my thought process is: it’s my life, not theirs.

blue_dude15 2/18/2021 - 2:20 am

Yeah, your thought process is honestly pretty relatable.
Technically my friends don`t know I`m suicidal, but they do know I`m depressed and keep asking me if I`m ok. I imagine they`d pester me a lot though if i did admit i want to die. I guess they wouldn`t want me to go and they`d assume that one day my depression will get better. I can see their point of view but honestly i kind-of agree with you

blue_dude15 2/18/2021 - 2:24 am

I guess my point is that I know it seems annoying to you, and it would annoy me too. You`re probably really sick of hearing this but but I really hope that you stay safe, not for others but for yourself.

system 2/18/2021 - 2:36 am

thank you, I appreciate it

Mf 2/18/2021 - 3:19 am

Can’t blame you for feeling that way about others (i know how it feels, i’m living on the basis of a promise), but the same can be said about those who care about you. It really takes a lot to understand why someone doesn’t want to be alive if you’re not in their shoes, specially if you love them and want them to be “fine” (for lack of a better word).

system 2/18/2021 - 2:34 pm

thank you. your comments on my posts are always really helpful and I appreciate the support 🙂

Im-Random 2/18/2021 - 5:05 pm

I don’t wanna be that RELIGOUS guy, but I think you should Find a religion to live for. Because I’m living because of my religion its “Islam” I recommend reading about it.

system 2/18/2021 - 5:52 pm

hi, this site is not for preaching gospel.
read the rules.
I’m here because I’m suicidal and I need a place to vent and relate to people, I’m not here to be the subject of someone’s preaching.

Once 2/19/2021 - 1:31 am

When it’s all said and done, living for others gains one nothing. It can be a rewarding life for many, (front line medical workers, charity workers and clergy, etc) but, if like I have done, you live to please others, you’ll find yourself left behind and lost, having forfeited dreams, goals, aspirations. The non-suicidal mind is trained to spout meaningless platitudes like “you matter” and “I/We care”, yet they also have no concrete, valid answers to the question of why we MUST continue to live and suffer, other than, again, more platitudes. “You’ll be missed” and “You are loved” are meaningless replies to the person who holds pain severe enough to consider suicide. This doesn’t make their replies bad or cruel necessarily, it just highlights the average persons lack of understanding as to the nature of how deep and painful the hurt that we deal with is. Your life is yours, your choices are yours, there are ramifications to suicide that will cause others pain, but…that’s life.

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