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showers. [and other ramblings]

by system

I’ve been avoiding showers and changing clothes.  Partially because I’m low functioning, but mostly because I don’t want to remember.  Every time I shower or change my clothes, I have to see it.  I have to see his name, etched into my flesh.

I feel sick to my stomach right now.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  The things he did.  The things he made me do.   It’s humiliating.  I feel so small and hopeless.  I just want to forget.  Whenever I remember or think about the things that happened, my face feels heavy.

I want to crawl out of my skin, I don’t want this body.  I want a new one.  I want one that hasn’t been tainted with scars and abuse.

Existing is uncomfortable and scary.  I’m so afraid.  What if it happens again?  I’m told over and over, “It won’t happen again, it won’t happen again”.  Why, then?  Can you tell me why it happened again all those other times before?  Can you?  Can you look me in the eye and explain to me why they keep finding me?  I live in fear.  I live in fear of the abuse finding me again.  I hate it.  I hate feeling like this.  Why am I here?  If there is a God, why?  All I have to ask is why?  Why?  Why did you?  Why did you let them find me? (note: I don’t believe in God.  I never have)

I don’t want to be a puppet anymore

I want the memories to go away

I want it to go away

please

feb. 6th 2021 – 12:41 am

there’s more on my mind so im going to write more

it hurts it hurts it hurts I want it to stop.  I don’t want to feel like this anymore.  I want his name off of me.  I want it gone.  go away go away go away please just make it disappear.

it makes me feel like property.  im not property.  im not.  but why was I treated like I am?  why have I been treated like a slave?  forced to essentially brand myself?  why?  I want to know why.  why did it happen.  why did he do that?  why did he do any of those things?  i want to know.  i want to know.  i feel like im suffocating.  i want to be free from this.  from all of it.  from the things that happened for 9 years until august.  i want to cry but nothing is happening.  im numb but at the same time i feel everything.

 

feb. 6th 2021 – 2:32 am

I dont think I’ve spoken about my dissociation on here yet. I think I should.  It might help.

I have an undiagnosed dissociative disorder (therapist thinks it’s OSDD, I agree with that assumption).  All of my alters have been dormant except for my introject.  my introject is always co-conscious, and never fronts.  it is the first alter that I developed.  it is very angry, hateful, and I’m scared of it.  I can tell that its an amalgamation of all of the abusers ive had over the years.  it says horrible things to me,  things akin to what my abusers have said.  my trauma holder (she holds childhood trauma & the feelings attached to it, everyone in the system has the same memories but only specific alters have the emotions linked to them) has been dormant for a while and I dont like it.  its hard without her. I have to deal with the introject myself.  my child alter is also dormant.

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system 2/6/2021 - 12:27 am

my head is so loud why won’t it stop

system 2/6/2021 - 12:42 am

please make it go away

Once 2/6/2021 - 1:40 am

My take on the “why” of our existence is pretty simple minded anymore. (Read: I’ve given up trying to assign meaning to this circus.) We’re here to grow, learn, suffer and die. Growing and learning encompass a huge spectrum of events and outcomes, from loving and being content to drowning in misery and begging for deliverance. As for “god”…chuckle. Whatever. He makes good reading, in one of the countless tales of who he’s supposed to be which have ALL been created by flawed humans. Yawn.

But you already know that, it seems. It’s taken you 9 years to clearly see what you see today, and at this stage of the game, about all you can do is be grateful that you’ve arrived at this point of choosing to try to avoid letting it happen again…and it might, but you’ve cleared a major hurdle by learning what you have, that what he did, and what you allowed him to do, was not in your best interest. This is your path, to take this lesson to heart and seek to avoid the same mistakes again. The past can’t be changed, as you know. He can’t be changed, he’s done his damage, and he’ll continue hurting others, given the opportunity. But you, you’re at a crossroads as you live and learn and suffer. You’re hesitant, rightly so, which is the mark of wisdom. A wisdom born of pain and suffering, but a wisdom that will serve you well from today forward, if you want it to. I’m sorry you’re hurting, unfortunately as a resident of earth, this is a requirement, but stand at this crossroad and continue to listen to the wisdom you’re clearly nurturing.

system 2/6/2021 - 1:47 am

thank you for writing such thoughtful things, it really means a lot to me. your words are very raw and meaningful. you don’t sugarcoat anything, and I really appreciate that about the things you write. and to clear something up, i didn’t necessarily allow him to do anything, I was blackmailed- though I did manipulate situations so that I could get out with the least damage possible.

Jhecev 2/7/2021 - 12:34 am

I had a bunch of scars and I got tattoos and I’m very happy with them. Made me feel a lot better. You gotta come up with something that’s cool and timeless. I always recommend coming up with an idea and then searching old school tattoo after the idea and then walk into a studio with the picture and get a guy to come up with something. It gotta be timeless and you gotta like it. It actually covered mine pretty well. Like not noticeable from another’s perspective unless they like all up on it. Maybe it’ll fade by itself but it might not. I had a name as well. Idk just a suggestion. I found that at a certain point I started getting memory loss and also became very numb everything. Almost like a defense mechanism. What if for a second when you were dwelling on the past you just told yourself I don’t remember that and try and focus on something else and just do it over and over. Therapists bothered me and didn’t help and recommended pills which are bad. I feel I have survived suicide attempts and have put myself in a much better place. I’m not perfect and still depressed sometimes but it’s only sometimes now. If you look for the worst thing ever you’re sure to find it but if you look for good things you’ll find that too. I used to love everyone and hate myself but something snapped and things switched. And eventually I figured out hate was dumb. This is just a strange train of though that I’m having after some reading. Alright. Bye

system 2/7/2021 - 3:13 am

this was actually really comforting to read, thank you. I feel a little less alone.

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