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What I want from life is something it can’t offer.

by ThrowItAway

A decade ago I entered high school. My middle school friends and I ended up not having any shared courses with each other throughout all of high school. So it’s no surprised that we ended up drifting apart. I didn’t really end up making any new friends either. After high-school the acquaintances I did make went out to different parts of my country to go the university. At this time I ended up in University and was truly alone. Outside of group projects I can’t say I interacted with anyone much; no parties, no trips, nothing. Attend lectures, do projects, waste my life, go to bed, repeat.

Since entering university around 6 years ago I have constantly been faced with the reality that I’ve been alone, and for many years I thought that it might be fine to be so. But I was wrong.

Ever since accepting that I truly want to work towards something with people and forge some semblance of meaningful relationships with them. I have come to truly hate myself, to lament the life I live day after day. I told myself that if I couldn’t make my life worth living by 32 that I would kill myself. It would be too late to make a difference after all.

I can’t help but feel 32 was overly optimistic, I’m only a few years away from that and I can’t help but feel not much has changed.

I ran a marathon, and joined a runners group but I struggled to find any common ground between the members and I eventually left.

I tried to join a basketball league, but didn’t realize the group I joined was a tight knit group of people and I was just an extra to fill numbers, I knew I didn’t fit in.

I’ve tried inviting co-workers out hiking, drinking etc, which I found some success with; however almost all of them have left to different companies and left me behind. We never had a meaningful relationship; just one of convivence. When your as desperate as me it can be easy to convince yourself otherwise.

The façade of relationships that online apps like discord, mmos, and other social media sites provide, just makes me feel more alone, as they are incredibly unstable. People join and leave faster than you can even get to know anything about them.

I’ve also tried dating apps; but I guess you know where that went.

I just don’t see anyway that my life will improve; what actions could I possibly take to make meaningful relationships at my age. Ones that people aren’t just willing to walk away from on a moment notice. I just can’t imagine it.

So I don’t think I will make it to 32, let alone 2022. I have so little hope, and I am so very alone.

For some people I guess life sucks, and you die.

I’m not sure there has been anything in my life that has been worth living for. I apologize to those who have provided for me; but that Is truly how I feel.

The last thing I will do before I kill myself is find a way to donate my money to a cause that might prevent people from failing at life the way I did; There must be way to foster meaningful relationships in our society of departures, and isolation. At least I’d like to think that there is, and I am just a fuck up.

I thank you for reading this, and hope nothing but the best for you. Life is only worth living; for those who make it so.


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system 2/5/2021 - 1:40 am

this hit very close to home. I get the sense that I’m much younger than you, but that feeling of social dysfunction really resonated with me.
but, I will tell you this:
the one place that I did find people who really understood me was outpatient treatment.
I cannot recommend group therapy enough. the people there know what it’s like to really, really struggle and feel alone. IOP was the first place I’ve ever met someone with almost identical trauma to mine, and it was such a good feeling, knowing that I’m not the only one.

I really hope you find a place where like-minded people are.

JudgeMeNot 2/5/2021 - 2:00 am

Pshh. University, at least you have value.

ThrowItAway 2/5/2021 - 10:01 am

Perhaps to others, but not to myself.

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