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why do i miss you

by system

“the thought of what I did to you, it tore me up inside. you didn’t deserve that, no one does. thinking of how happy you made me, how miserable I made you feel at times. how could you forgive me? please don’t confuse me as ungrateful, I love you. how could I not? I hate to be an echo chamber of words whispered into your ear a million times over, but you’re worth it. your smile that could melt away the stars, so bright, filling others with pure bliss. your soft spoken words, it’s as if the wind carries your words & dance to the sound of your voice. how could you not be infatuated when merely looking into a puddle at your own reflection. how can you be so blind? I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”

why did you discard me?  why am I upset that you discarded me?  why do I miss you?

after everything you’ve done to me, why do I miss you?

“at times”…. you tortured me.  You forced me to dig a razor into my face and when you saw the video of me doing so while crying and begging for you to make the pain stop, you told me “please smile”

and i did.  for you.

i really hate you, ******

yet I still remain your property, like branded livestock.

fuck you.


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elleInWi 3/3/2021 - 5:39 pm

Maybe its because the pain makes you feel alive?!

system 3/3/2021 - 7:34 pm

i was treated like a slave, wasn’t allowed to leave the house unless his name was written under my eye. i feel anything but alive.

elleInWi 3/3/2021 - 7:44 pm

I was in a 5 domestic violence relationship with my kids dad. Believe me ive been there. And law enforcement did nothin to protect me either, they wanted to arrest me for self defence cuz i fought back when i was 8 months pregnant. But not gonnna lie some times i miss jason because sometimes i deserve to get my ass beat. Its like a stockholm syndrome kinda thing. Long term abuse can turn a person into a masochist and some people realize it over the yrs and some never catch on. Im sorry youre struggling and still recovering. Just know that cutting ties with your abuser and any1 theyre associated with, will guarentee u a much better life.

system 3/3/2021 - 8:10 pm

the Stockholm syndrome hasn’t gone away for me completely. this all happened in august. I’m in a perpetual state of anger.

elleInWi 3/3/2021 - 8:19 pm

::hugz:: hun u have a long road of healing ahead of you. It will seriously take years to recover. And be as angry as you want, u deserve to be because he stole a part of your life that youll never get back. But use this life lesson in a positive way and just know that u deserve better and u deserve respect and that it wasnt you, it was him. I def would suggest joining a support group if u dont have family n friends to turn to.

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