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Been Awhile, lots of changes

by xay21

I haven’t thought about this site in awhile. I stumbled upon it when I was actively suicidal years ago, and I spent a long time searching for my old post I made when I was feeling awful. I hated myself. Deeply hated myself. And when I was looking at all of the other posts while searching for mine, I realized, “dear God, I could have written any one of these.” Everything that you all say sounds so familiar… it’s just been a long time since I’ve believed it.

I decided to stay alive. I decided to give life a chance. I was hospitalized. I got put on meds, took therapy, I stopped drinking and doing drugs, started doing the 12 steps. I’ve been sober for almost 3 god damn years. Sometimes I can’t believe how much things have changed. Things are still hard, I still get depressed, but I truly, truly want to live. That wretched, horrible, inescapable pain has left me, and I used to believe with all of my heart and soul that it never would.

I’m not going to be condescending and tell you anything about your own life or your own lived experiences. I’m hesitant to even say something like, “It gets better,” because I don’t know shit. I don’t have the answer. However, I CAN say, with 100% certainty, that I totally believed I would never become a person I liked. I never believed I would stop hating myself… and I was wrong. I don’t hate myself anymore. Sometimes I can even love myself.

We are all alive. We were all born into this world, and despite our most deeply held beliefs, it’s possible to start telling yourself that you actually deserve to be here. Alive. With us. Whoever is reading this, I love you dearly.


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system 4/21/2021 - 4:42 pm

reading your story has given me some hope,
thank you for sharing it

Yoges 4/22/2021 - 12:00 pm

“but I truly, truly want to live.”
What a brave thing to say on here 🙂 lifts the gloom a bit. Hope someday I’ll be able to say that with conviction. Sommmedayyy.
Godspeed to you!

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