Disillusioned – I think that’s the perfect way to describe how I feel.
When you’re a kid, you’re told that everyone is special and that anyone can change the world, then you grow up and realize that no one is special. I spent almost four whole months just dissassociating, taking long hikes, one hour or more, several times a day and even at night, and I barely slept at all because of nightmares, I barely ate because I had so much anxiety. Now that that’s over, I don’t know what to do. I can barely walk anymore, well I can, if I eat a lot of food after, I can’t go for those hikes anymore. Everything that I enjoyed doing I got laughed at for. I didn’t feel safe anywhere, I still don’t. My room feels like it belongs to someone else, almost nothing in it is mine. It’s mostly just stuff I’m borrowing from other people, and I can’t even tell anyone that anything is mine, because then my parents have the need to remind me that it’s not actually mine, it’s theirs and they can take it from me while I have no right to protest at all. I used to have dreams. I used to have nightmares. Now I have nothing at all. Not even the slightest bit of hope for the future either. I’m not allowed to do anything that I enjoy doing. For some reason I have to tell my parents whenever I go outside even though I’m 17 years old? It feels like I’m not a real person. I’m trapped inside a bubble of “protection” that hurts me more than it helps. It really is extremely boring to live like this. I used to have illusions, dreams, of a different life, a life where everything I do isn’t controlled by someone else, but I don’t have any choice. The only thing I can do is wait. I hate it.