I feel often as though I’m living in the shadows, the part of the universe that no one pays attention to because it can’t be seen. Or perhaps a better analogy is that I am so dark that light does not reflect off of me. Any intereaction I have with people sputters out because whatever it is they would want to bounce back off of me simply dies when it hits my surface.
I’ve spent so many years legitimately trying to make my life have some sort of meaning or purpose. I have been in counseling for more than 15 years. I’ve seen so many doctors and tried medications. I’ve participated in groups and volunteered. I’ve met probably a thousand people in my life and I’ve only ever had one friend. No one can tell me what I am doing wrong. The only conclusion I have been able to make is I don’t offer enough to anyone to make it worth their time. I understand that, if I could choose to not be around myself I would make the same choice.
I feel like I’ve done the very best that I can do and it just is not anywhere close to good enough. The important thing is I did try to make the most of life, even if it could never be something happy for me. At least it doesn’t have to go on forever, that is the only thing that keeps me going ironically.
4 comments
Haha, I like this analogy. Stupid conversations just bounce off you. Like why should I give a fuck about someone hitting me about their enthusiasm for collecting shoelace caps?
Yes, there is an upside to that. But there is also the downside that I have no connections to anyone.
Have you considered the fact that you may have a personality disorder, or something else?
That is definitely a possibility. I have been diagnosed with various things through ou t my years.. butto me a diagnosis is just a label used by a medical professional to help treat you… if treatment doesn’t work it doesn’t really matter what the label is. I am still me.