I did it. I fucking did it. I’ve got all I need packed in a back pack. Two pairs of shoes. And the things I’ll need when I decide enough is enough. I feel like Forest Gump when he starts running across the country. I don’t know where I will go or where I will end up when it is time. I can’t be lost if I don’t belong anywhere.
rywa
I am not sure if there is a part of me that wanted to feel an urge to live as things get closer, but so far I have not. The important thing is I am living up to the promises I have made to myself.
Nothing left to do on my list. Just need to wait until it’s time. I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of how hard I’ve tried.
It’s not my fault that I was hurt as child. Over and over and over again. It’s not my fault I couldn’t ask for help because I didn’t know how. It’s not my fault that what happened broke me and I could never find a way to make any relationships. I did the best that I could do and it is all I can ask of myself.
I suppose it doesn’t matter much. It won’t make a difference if I do it right or wrong because there won’t be anyone to notice. If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it does it make a sound? If a lonely person dies and no one notices did they really live?
I was 11 when that album came out but I was probably 12 by the time I first heard it.
I’ve mellowed a lot since then, but man that album is so beautiful. I wasn’t suicidal when I was 12, but I did wish I was dead or didn’t exist a lot. This album was the first time I ever realized other people felt that way, too.
My favorite song was “The Becoming”.
The me that you know he used to have feelings
But the blood has stopped pumping and he’s left to decay.
The me that you know is now made up of wires
And even when I’m right with […]
Two more months. I’m not sure what the purpose is in setting arbitrary dates for the future. I told myself I would give the ECT treatment time to work. But honestly I don’t see the point. Maybe I am just procrastinating.
it’s been more than 18 years since I attempted suicide. Back then I didn’t set any sort of dates or things I wanted to do. I made a decision, got what I thought I needed and I attempted. Of course I failed, so maybe taking the extra time to make sure will help.
There’s nothing I want to do or try. Nothing that makes me feel […]
I was molested around once a week for two years starting when I was 7. It wasn’t traumatic for me at the time. I didn’t know what was happening. It wasn’t violent. It wasn’t until a couple of years after it ended that I realized what happened and had some bad reactions.
I’ve always wondered how it affected me. I don’t have PTSD or anything. I don’t have thoughts about it or fears from it. Yet I’ve never been able to form relationships. I don’t know. I’m not sure it matters.
I’ve always found the concept of infinity interesting. If the universe is infinite then […]
I’m really struggling. I’m not sure what to do any more. I’ve done the best that I can do. I’m sad and lonely and pathetic. Not even shock therapy can help me. I’m not sure why I even would have holed any hope. It’s so stupid. I’m so smart in some ways but not any way that matters.
I’ve promised myself I will keep going until September. I’m not sure I can keep that promise. As long as I’ve done my best, I can leave feeling happy and satisfied knowing I’ve tried everything.
People need people. I have no one. No matter what I do, I’ll always […]
I’ve never felt love before. Not for a single moment in my life. I don’t regret never having felt it because it is something beyond my control. Still, I wish I could know what it feels like.
Tomorrow I am going to my last ECT session. I don’t feel like it has helped at all. I don’t think I have anything left to try. I’m going to give it a couple of months, probably until my birthday in September. I just don’t have any reason to believe I have the power to change my life. I’ve tried so many things and I just can’t get any relief. I’ve done my best, it just isn’t good enough.
I’ve done 5 treatments now. Supposedly 8 to 12 is what people need. I don’t feel any different. Just slower and less sure of who I am. It was a bit of wishful thinking to hope inducing a seizure could cure me. It’s not going to make anyone care about me or give me any friends or the ability to make any. It doesn’t change the fact that I have no value to anyone. Oh well. Only a little bit further to go.
I’ve had two ECT treatments now. I don’t feel much different. Just tired and my memory seems sluggish. Especially recent things. Maybe that is the idea, forget who I am.
I always am curious to know if things that happened to me effected who I became as a person.
I don’t get to go back and live my life and change one thing and see how I would have been different. I had a rough childhood. But I really did my best to change that. Would I have been the same person regardless? I was molested as a child by a friend of my parents many times. But I never have a conscious thought as an adult about this. Yet every professional says these things matter. I don’t know.
I am hoping the shock treatment I am […]
I hate that so much. Every single doctor or therapist I go to has to have an emergency contact person. I have to either make up someone or explain that I don’t have anyone. There isn’t a single person to call to help me.
Most of the time I just make up someone and list my own phone number. No one ever checks these things. It still makes me feel ashamed for being alone.
One therapist rejected me for listing no one. Don’t you have a friend or priest or neighbor you could call if there was a crisis? She said her license wouldn’t allow her to […]
I find it really frustrating that my best has never been good enough. For the most part I have always been fighting against depression, or whatever it is that is wrong with me. I’ve tried so hard. I just can’t seem to beat it.
I’m going to be trying shock therapy soon, and this will be the last thing I try. After that there is nothing left but another suicide attempt for me. At least I don’t have to write a note, because no one would ever read it.
I tried to commit suicide when I was 20. I’ve lived a lifetime since then.
My suicide attempt cost me the only friend I ever had. I started seeing doctors and therapists then, hoping that if I could fix myself I’d get my friend back. I write to her every year. 18 years now. And I never hear back. Still I keep trying even though I know it will never happen.
The question I have the hardest time answering for myself is why didn’t I try again? I don’t have an answer I suppose. Some sort of belief that maybe if all the stars align I might […]
If I had an infinite amount of time and words I couldn’t summarize my life any better than that. Nothing.
I don’t have the energy in me to build up these really strong emotions any more. Most of the time I’m apathetic. I think sometimes it’s better to feel strongly even if it’s negative because it can maybe drive you towards doing something different. I feel defeated.
I’ve never cared much for meaningless ad hominem adjectives. My story is more one told by a sadist.
I often wonder how much of my life was actually within my control. Sure, I make choices every day… but is there anything I could have done differently to not end up here, or is this the best I could have done? I don’t have any specific regrets and I’ve always tried to make the best decisions I could have.
I don’t get to go back and live another life without going through the trauma I did and see how I would have turned out. Or what I would […]