Out out brief candle

I would never describe my life as a light.  I’m not sure exactly when I lost that, likely before I could even remember.  I don’t really have any memories from before I was 9.  Well, I do remember some things but I just really don’t like to talk about that.  I have a few memories of being happy but not many.  When I started to make sense of what happened to me I don’t think I ever recovered.  Maybe that is when it extinguished.. or maybe when my one friend couldn’t be my friend any more.  I don’t remember the last time I felt hopeful, it has been so long.  Even if I could remember, it is not like I could go back and hold onto that feeling if I wanted to.