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the feeling of being watched

by system

what if he finds me?  what if he hunts me down again?  what if he’s still watching me?

i can’t shake the feeling.  i haven’t been able to ever since the abuse started.

i can still feel it.  on the back of my neck.  i never feel safe.  he continues to have a suffocating grip on me even after i mustered up the courage to get as far away from him as possible.  listen to the fbi.  lock everything down.  deactivate all my social media accounts, lock my phone number, get my school e-mail changed.

but he’s still here.  he’s left an impression of himself, it’s seared into my mind.  he left marks.  holy fuck, he left marks.  i still have the burns.  i still have his name permanently scarred into my flesh.  thank god most of the facial scars from the razors are gone, because i stayed inside until they fully healed (not that i had any interest in going fucking anywhere.  ever), religiously applied mederma and wore gauze on my face for a fucking week and a half.  i wasn’t as lucky with his name because he made me RE-OPEN THE WOUND EVERY FUCKING NIGHT.

there was so much blood.  there was so much fucking blood.

why did you do this to me, ******?

you convinced me that this was love.

why the fuck do i feel so empty without you even though you tore apart what was left of me?

9 comments
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9 comments

Abnormal.Thoughts 5/3/2021 - 10:41 am

I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but where the fuck were your parents during all this?
One day, I hope you find a healthy relationship and can learn what love is. No rush on that though, you’re still young.

system 5/3/2021 - 11:11 am

It was a blackmail situation, I actively hid it from them for their safety.
Thank you for the well wishes, I really appreciate it.

Abnormal.Thoughts 5/3/2021 - 12:38 pm

It seems easy to hide a lot of it but, as a parent, if there were gauze/scars on my kids face I think I would be concerned. O.o

system 5/3/2021 - 3:00 pm

my parents found out about the abuse because they saw the gashes on my face. that was the day they called the cops

Abnormal.Thoughts 5/3/2021 - 3:19 pm

Ah, that makes a lot of sense then. I’m glad they were able to step in and you don’t have him around you anymore.

system 5/3/2021 - 3:27 pm

they saved my life. i was at the point where i was going to commit suicide to make the torture stop.
despite that, I still harbor a lot of anger because they acted like all of what happened was my fault.

Abnormal.Thoughts 5/3/2021 - 4:17 pm

Yeah, parents can be like that though, very much an “I told you so”, “you should have taken my advice” type of thing. I get both sides of that situation though, since I am a parent, when you tell them something 10 times and explain why but they deliberately disobey you anyways. Very frustrating.
But you are not responsible for what that asshole did to you, he is.

Robert77 5/4/2021 - 1:47 pm

When I was your age I had a girlfriend that went through similar situation but it was her step dad. I was 17 at the time so I didn’t worry so much about what would of happened if I got caught dealing with that person. And deal with that F**ker I did. I broke every bone in that f**kers body with my Louisville slugger and told him to leave town forever. He did just that. I never got caught. Who ever did this to you is living on borrowed time and his day of reckoning is coming.

system 5/4/2021 - 3:02 pm

this was strangely reassuring to read.
thank you.

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