The way I live

It is very difficult to express the way I feel on a daily basis. Today, I was supposed to study for my finals but i didn’t. Thoughts kept running through my mind, and I imagined a whole conversation with a psychiatrist and kept talking to him for 3 hours. It felt like I was in a bubble, it felt so real. I’ve always been like this, since I do not have close friends, there’s no one to share my thoughts with, so I imagine people in my mind. Oh lord loneliness has become my home. I feel very awkward when engaging in a real conversation with other people. I’m no more in control of what comes out of their mouths, they’re not as thoughtful and kind as my imaginary psychiatrist. I have never been in a relationship which is very abnormal for a person my age. My mother is apathetic, she can’t express emotions, my father is a violent man and my older sibling suffers from schizophrenia. Let’s just say I don’t know how to express emotions . I don’t know how to socialize. I am utterly obsessed with people. Whenever I’m out, I observe everyone around me, Their spontaneity, their playfulness. I couldn’t ever use my words in such an intelligent way. Half the time, I don’t even have control of the words that come out of my mouth. I wanna have someone that likes me, see a genuine smile meant for me. I’ve never heard a word of encouragement from my mother. She is barely alive, never have I seen her mad or sad. I maybe see her laugh once in a month. She doesn’t like it when I talk too much, I’ve never had a pleasant conversation with my mum. We only talk about necessities. Once I couldn’t stop crying, she was sitting next to me with her phone on her hands. Saw me, came to me, asked me how I was, I told her I was fine and she came back to what she was doing. I was very obviously not fine, haven’t eaten for 3 days, haven’t gone to school either. My dad started visiting me more often, my mum told me that he thinks I’m gonna end it soon . Well, he wasn’t wrong, I have been praying for my death. I wanna burn myself alive. It’s just very sad that I have never had a person care for me, I wish I’d have had someone. I’ve prayed n prayed for someone to help me, anyone. I wonder how it feels to be genuinely hugged. I ask my mum for hugs all the time, she gives them to me mechanically. I wonder what goes on in her mind, what she’s always thinking about. I wonder if she’ll feel something when I’m not around . She’ll probably be relieved. She has told me in the past that I was responsible for her unhappiness and that I was a manipulative person that was hoping for her decline. I am not, I swear. At that time, I was planning my suicide attempt, and she was fuel to my everlasting anger. I hope People will remember some of my good deeds.