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It is very difficult to express the way I feel on a daily basis. Today, I was supposed to study for my finals but i didn’t. Thoughts kept running through my mind, and I imagined a whole conversation with a psychiatrist and kept talking to him for 3 hours. It felt like I was in a bubble, it felt so real. I’ve always been like this, since I do not have close friends, there’s no one to share my thoughts with, so I imagine people in my mind. Oh lord loneliness has become my home. I feel very awkward when engaging in a real conversation with other people. I’m no more in control of what comes out of their mouths, they’re not as thoughtful and kind as my imaginary psychiatrist. I have never been in a relationship which is very abnormal for a person my age. My mother is apathetic, she can’t express emotions, my father is a violent man and my older sibling suffers from schizophrenia. Let’s just say I don’t know how to express emotions . I don’t know how to socialize. I am utterly obsessed with people. Whenever I’m out, I observe everyone around me, Their spontaneity, their playfulness. I couldn’t ever use my words in such an intelligent way. Half the time, I don’t even have control of the words that come out of my mouth. I wanna have someone that likes me, see a genuine smile meant for me. I’ve never heard a word of encouragement from my mother. She is barely alive, never have I seen her mad or sad. I maybe see her laugh once in a month. She doesn’t like it when I talk too much, I’ve never had a pleasant conversation with my mum. We only talk about necessities. Once I couldn’t stop crying, she was sitting next to me with her phone on her hands. Saw me, came to me, asked me how I was, I told her I was fine and she came back to what she was doing. I was very obviously not fine, haven’t eaten for 3 days, haven’t gone to school either. My dad started visiting me more often, my mum told me that he thinks I’m gonna end it soon . Well, he wasn’t wrong, I have been praying for my death. I wanna burn myself alive. It’s just very sad that I have never had a person care for me, I wish I’d have had someone. I’ve prayed n prayed for someone to help me, anyone. I wonder how it feels to be genuinely hugged. I ask my mum for hugs all the time, she gives them to me mechanically. I wonder what goes on in her mind, what she’s always thinking about. I wonder if she’ll feel something when I’m not around . She’ll probably be relieved. She has told me in the past that I was responsible for her unhappiness and that I was a manipulative person that was hoping for her decline. I am not, I swear. At that time, I was planning my suicide attempt, and she was fuel to my everlasting anger. I hope People will remember some of my good deeds.

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Yoges 5/23/2021 - 3:07 pm

Toxic family settings ruin so many lives full of potential that it’s a pandemic in itself. But things might drastically change for the better after you leave home for studies or a job.

heartlessviking 5/24/2021 - 6:22 pm

a dog will help. I swear it’s all that keeps me going some days, that my dog needs me and cares for me.

Then again, I’m on the other end of the spectrum; I made the mistake of going all in on people skills. I’ve been a salesperson, customer service, CNA and now a social worker. Not a one has ever convinced me that people are capable of lasting gratitude. The culture I live in is too hedonistic for that.

Meanwhile I fantasize about getting a job where the personalities of others is immaterial. Lately I’ve been wishing I was a civil engineer, because concrete has very measurable and understandable properties. The same isn’t true of a middle aged adult, and figuring them out pays a pittance compared with the amount paid for figuring out concrete.

Not to diminish the clear loneliness and struggle you’re dealing with. Just an observation that people aren’t solving my issues, and that’s the sort of problem of prescribing a solution without testing it. I thought being admired and talented would bring me validation, and it hasn’t, and I don’t think it will.

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