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Unrequited love

by AnnieQ

Despite not talking to this someone, and deliberately choosing to have no means of getting into any kind of contact, if I ever happened to see him walking down the street (which I know I won’t), the  only thing I could honestly say is:

-Hey, it’s been reeeeaaaally fun talking to you that exists in my head this entire year we haven’t talked at all. Have a nice day!

 

Welp, guess it has to be that way. I just hope that I won’t die before he who is in my head dies.It’s sort of pathetic, because I can’t count the times I thought to myself that I want to die because of it. At least I’d never think about him again.

I’d free myself from burden of this immense shame I feel.

 

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5 comments

Robert77 5/11/2021 - 5:53 pm

Im sorry you are going through this. Im going through something like it but had my final say and I do want to die but I wish I could see the look on her face when my sister calls her and blames her for what she did to me for many years. They call it a trauma bond and I just broke that bond but I am filled with excruciating pain because of it. Don’t feel ashamed for the pain others have caused you. Its bad enough to feel the betrayal.

AnnieQ 5/11/2021 - 8:02 pm

I am familiar with that feeling, but it shouldn’t be about that one person, because, in the end, there is always a possibility of them not ever finding out .
You know, not knowing you did something bad to yourself because of them.
It is better that you had the courage to go away from someone who would have kept hurting you and a brave thing to do.

thehusk 5/11/2021 - 7:37 pm

Unrequited love is a particularly gutting feeling – it can twist something positive into a source of torment. Curious why you feel such shame about it though – obviously don’t go into it if you don’t want to.

AnnieQ 5/11/2021 - 8:13 pm

I’ve never been romantically involved with anyone, and I never wanted to.
I saw something wrong, useless about it. I think I never loved myself, therefore, anything I could feel for someone else would end up twisted and wrong.

This person I wrote about used to be my friend, and after realizing I liked him, I gradually stopped talking to him.
I heard somewhere that there is nothing more omnious than admittance of affection towards someone, and in this case, I heavily relate.

thehusk 5/12/2021 - 4:41 am

That’s an interesting perspective. Is it that because your view of yourself is so low, you view any positive feelings you may have toward others as inherently contaminated? So you experience shame for even having such ‘wrong’ feelings? If so, that sounds like a difficult space to be in – you have my sympathies.

Although in many ways I also have a low view of myself, for me I suppose that’s balanced by some narcissistic traits. So possibly I’m more able to separate positive feelings I have toward someone from negative feelings I have about myself, and invest in them. It’s only when it comes to contemplating an actual relationship that the imagination becomes contaminated by the clearer reality of how I see myself, and it all starts to feel wrong.

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