I want to thank everyone here for all the support over the years, thank you for giving me a safe place.
I’m going to finish this life off tonight, hopefully in a peaceful sleep.
I have my reasons, some old, some new, but ultimately I’m not made for this life except to be a catalyst of negative reactions.
My friend of many names, I do love you as you are the best friend I have had, you have been there for me through so many struggles and helped me pull through till now. I’m afraid I must go. Thank you. All the hugs in the world to you, please stay strong.
It’s early yet but today is my last day, good luck everyone.
P.S. my family, I love you, I’m sorry. And for all of you blaming yourselves, try to believe that you are not the cause. You can read through all my posts to see what has been going through my mind, most of the passwords are the title of the post for the protected posts. This is the best explanation I can give. Much love to all and best wishes.
26 comments
Just kidding. Maybe I’ll see if I can wait until tomorrow. I forgot it’s my hubby and daughters birthdays today, seems wrong to do that.
On second thought, this might be the best present I can give them.
Hey. I know it’s hard to hear what I’m saying over the noise of your own thoughts, but please just try to with a clear head. Depression is a disease. It can be cured. I can attest to that. The way you see the world right now? It’s clouded over by this disease. It wants to kill you. But it can get better, from personal experience. In today’s world depression is a very treatable and curable illness. Easier than alcoholism. Easier than coronavirus. Remember a time when you didn’t think about offing yourself? That’s achievable again. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is hope. There really is. I didn’t think things would ever change for me, but medication flipped my whole world over to brightness. Like switching from black n white to colour tv. It’s possible to get out of this black hole. Just give yourself a chance. This feeling doesn’t have to be the end of the train.
I thank you for the kind words, it’s beyond hope now, I made it so through my bpd actions and it can’t be fixed this time.
I have bpd too. Believe me, this shit is curable. Are you on any medication? If you’re not, talk to your doctor. This really doesn’t have to be the end of the road. Mood stabilizers have changed my life. Maybe they can change yours too. Why not give it a go?
No medication, no doctor, no insurance, limited funds as I was recently laid off and just started a new job. Curable or not I fucked up and I should have thought about being “cured” before I went and screwed up as bad as I did.
Please, beloved Abnormal Thoughts, reconsider, for life is an incredibly wonderful gift :'( I would miss you.. <3 I agree with what Jaime wrote.
I’m sad to go. I hope the other side doesn’t leave me missing people but goodbye hurts. There are so many good people here. I took my “gift” and shredded it to bits one piece at a time. This is the only way. A few more hours and I’m off to find some safe place to relax.
Please, try the resources that this website offers, like suicidepreventionlifeline . org
Please, my beloved, reconsider your choice, there is more to life . . (forgive me for repeating, I tell what my heart says) When we remember the beautiful memories, what we miss is how we felt. Now, the good news is that acquiring the childlike joy with which we used to see the world, can be acquired again.
That nobody is our enemy, not even ourself, that we have nothing to fear from anybody, that there is no reason to despair, and that a heart filled with Love is the best there is. When our chest feels on fire, when we’re giddy, the beauty of life ^^,
I sent you lots of lots of Love, and my heart cries for you :'( Please, beloved, reconsider your choice, depression is momentary.
Forgive me, I meant to say that the desire to do the undoable, is momentary; and that there is always hope, that we need not despair.
This sounds kind of impulsive. Are you sure you want to do it while in a turbulent state of mind? Seems like the kind of thing you’d want to be certain of for a long time before going through with it. I also can’t imagine any circumstance where the death of a loved one around a birthday would be a gift. Whenever that time of year rolls around in future, they’ll be reminded of the loss.
I hope you can find some other way.
It’s more impulse than not but it’s deserved. It’s not like I haven’t wanted to the better part of two years but shit happens and it’s a good shove away.
When you hurt those loved ones it would be a gift to set them free.
My friend asked me to give her a day to convince me otherwise and so I agreed but this time I think it’s really too much.
I made the worst choices of my life when I acted impulsively. From experience, I tell you: take more time to think. We all hurt the ones we love, but we would hurt them way more by not being here anymore to love them.
I would think that if it was a good decision then it would hold consistently over time, and you would maintain it calmly. No matter how much you’ve hurt those you love, I don’t think it’s going to feel like a celebratory event if you die. The more distance you can give them from events that are supposed to be happy for them the kinder it would be.
If you can make it another day, another week, or another month, then you’ll have more time to plan it out right, and make sure that it’s the right decision.
Suicide is not the answer. It is too easy to give up on our lives. Before you go, please try all the healing methods available first. In my experience, microdosing cubensis mushrooms has done wonders for my mental wellness. Try the mushrooms before you make any rash decisions. We only hurt those closest to us when we die, especially by suicide.
Hey, please, if you’re still here… wait a few days. Just a few days. And then see how you feel, okay? I agree that this sounds impulsive. Even if you think your family will be better off without you, a death is never a good “present”. Even if they theoretically hated you, a death for them on their birthday would be traumatizing.
Please. Just a few more days. I believe in you
I hope you are still here. Please come leave a comment.
I’m still here. Friend says to be safe tonight. See, it’s impulse that has landed me here, or something close to that nature. A few days isn’t going to fix this one, a few weeks or years isn’t going to fix this one. Maybe right at their birthday isn’t the best time but I can’t begin to unravel this knot and it is making me sick to think about what I’ve done. I can never fix this and I don’t have the heart to watch the fallout. It’s quiet now. Two can keep a secret if one is dead and in this case I could kill two birds with one stone. We’ll sort of, one cat is already out and bridges are burning. The worst thing is that I enjoyed it. Every moment of pain and guilt is there to steal the pleasure. I am not safe.
Shame and guilt can seem unbearable in the moment, but they can also fade, given time. Whatever you’ve done, killing yourself is not likely to make it any easier on those you care about. Some things can’t be undone, but there are usually more and less harmful ways to respond. Very few fuck ups need to be terminal.
There is more forgiveness in people than we tend to realize, and with time we understand that it is possible to move on from a mistake. So whatever happened, give yourself a chance.
It’s bad enough I won’t even share it here but I promise you that you would not forgive it. I wouldn’t and I’m extremely forgiving in my opinion. In fact I never dreamed this could even happen. I am giving it a few days anyways because someone cares but I know that this one won’t fade into the past with some explanation of what caused it. This one will kill me somehow and someway.
There are some things that the individuals wronged may be unable to personally forgive (e.g. cheating), though amends can often be made later on. But that sort of thing doesn’t need to define you, going forward. As long as you can admit what you’ve done and learn from it, most people won’t care. There’s a very small number of things judged so dangerous to society that people won’t tolerate it (e.g. unprovoked murder). Those are the things that stick to you – everything else becomes water under the bridge, if you let it.
Sending you love<3
Hugs
TRIGGER WARNING
i wrote a lot of vile irrelevant inflammatory bullshit, don’t read unless you are sure you can handle the worst.
1. dying won’t undo consequences of your actions.
2. the guilt and the blame that eats you up was never meant for you, and there are billions of people on this planet who would agree with that, so
3. it’s not like you’re going to go to prison or will be targeted in a witch hunt.
4. the fact that you are taking responsibility for those things shows that you have a big heart, so if you died, the world would actually be worse off, because there would be one good person less.
5. if you actually were able to reach out to any of those people that you worry about and care about so much, and wanted to make up for “your mistakes”, they would consider you a godsend.
right now, according to the current laws, in 2021, you are a victim, and even if those laws ever change, there is no way that blame would be assigned to people in your position.
also, your parents are jerks and don’t understand the fundamentals of youth empowerment. you did the best you could. you were not a debater, you were not a diplomat, you were not a lawyer, you were six, and when you’re six, your choices and words weigh in gold.
parents nowadays escort girls from all-girl sleepovers because of emergence of disrespectful competitive dynamics, solely on the basis of child’s choice, in the middle of the night.
so perhaps, instead of spending time hating yourself and causing damage to your mentality,
because of acts whose meanings your weren’t able to contextualize,
acts which wouldn’t take place if you were treated with least amount of respect,
you could go try looking for more constructive ways to make the world a better place
sorry that this whole covid disaster affected you so much,
if you seeked therapy, nobody would blame you for this,
people would try to help you be more constructive,
they would put a lot of effort into making you stop punishing yourself for this.
you could also look for legal advice if you want to know how to protect your privacy. and you will get all the protection that could be provided, because formally, you are a victim.
they could even put a spin on it for you, a white lie, to protect you.
you would have to explain to a lawyer what kind of a life you have been living so far and what’s at risk.
there might even turn out to be some way to completely skip you formally as a witness, as if you were never involved.
if you did choose to die now, this would be suicide from entrapment. you basically have to look for a way out, no pill will help here much.
your death also likely won’t help your family all that much, and your family will still have to adapt to a significant change if you die. if this whole situation had to result in some significant changes, i doubt that those would destroy you. elleinwi somehow managed to survive despite losing many personal connections, and is rebuilding her life from practically nothing at all.
sorry for posting this, i bet that i misunderstood everything and that you will hate me for this,
but this whole topic is driving me insane.
i mean, why am i even posting anything, i am an idiot…
i just kinda thought that many of those other comments did more harm than good
TRIGGER WARNING
i wrote a lot of vile irrelevant inflammatory bullshit, don’t read unless you are sure you can handle the worst.
I appreciate the candor. Most of what you said is true despite that I believe your sense of what my trigger for suicide is may be wrong. There are many things to consider but I’ve spent a long time considering those things, just the trigger changed, and now the weight has shifted.
You’re right about ElleinWi, and many others we get to know here, people resilient and strong, I hope everyone here pulls through.