This is a nothing post. I have no point here. I am dealing with borderline over the top anxiety today, and as usual, am alone, so I am talking to the world through my fucking keyboard. I’ve been on lithium and mirtazipine since April, and I think I’m having a reaction to it. I just upped the lithium at the beginning of May, and have been dealing with anxiety that is more than just coincidental. I am going to titrate off the mirtazipine gradually, and am planning to begin experimenting with broad spectrum cbd as an anxiety treatment. I’ve used full spectrum cbd and smoked cbd joints, but they both contain thc and will cause you to fail drug tests – ideally, I would like to be able to pass them so I can find driving jobs, and I have the opportunity over the next few months to try out different broad spectrum cbd products to see if they cause positive test results. The company I work for now does not drug test, which is good. I’ve had amazing results in treating anxiety symptoms with cbd over the past five months, and am only taking this pharmaceutical grade garbage because I was committed to the psych hospital end of April. I asked my prescribers opinion on cbd, and of course, being that she was on the clock, she was non-committal. What do I expect? For her to say “Yes, the stuff I’m prescribing you is toxic – you SHOULD ditch it and try something natural.”
I don’t recognize myself right now. I don’t know what has happened. Well, yes I do, my son died two years ago and I bottled up the grief. It came to remind me that I bottled it up in February of this year, and it has kicked my ass and dragged me through hell. I don’t recognize the world, everything has changed, and quite frankly, I wish I had committed suicide when I had the chance two months ago. I really do. This life, this world is all such a fucking joke. That we have to live like this, with brains spinning in circles or manic thought and irrational behavior speaks to what? It speaks to shit. I am not the person I was. I have turned into an asshole. Yet I still hold out some kind of hope that things will….improve? Chuckle. I dont know.
2 comments
I definitely feel the hard to get excited for more like this. I continue to take that position, and after a job taking my health to the edge a second time, my family has decided that it would be better for me to earn less and be alive longer…. we’ll see how that works out.
The chance to die will come again, unavoidably does for people who have been as sick for as long. I’d be terrified to take lithium, give me eye movement and electroshock treatments before I get there. Oh! That reminds me that now that I am doing freelance work, I’m thinking about trying LSD. I did some reading on a guided meditation/dream therapy using hallucinogens, I’d like to see if I can figure that out.
For now; not dead, and as I know no better, I tend to the living things around me. I’m starting to wonder if I have an external identity, caring for others feels like reflex at this point. How is your sleep holding up? My worst manic/anxiety days come when I haven’t had enough to eat or enough sleep. My solution; hot bath, hot meal, heavy blanket.
Sleep has improved greatly. I take melatonin and occasionally need a prescription sleep aid, but its a lot better than it was three months ago. Like you, three days without sleep is more than I could take. Insane. Now, I can’t move past the pointlessness of being alive…why society feels so strongly against suicide…why we insist on the nobility of living when living only extends pain…you know, the basics.