I’m glad I didn’t

I’ve been more suicidal than I have in a long time. It’s how I found this website. Earlier, I got close, but I saw my rock collection out of the corner of my eye. I hadn’t looked at it in a long time, and I don’t know what compelled me, but I distracted myself by picking up my rock collection, telling myself things I already knew about some of the rocks. Which ones were sea rocks, which ones probably came from a river, etc.

Somehow this distraction led to me absentmindedly cleaning (a tiny bit of) my huge depression mess, and I found some tiny things. I found the receipt from a small shop, from the last time I got boba with my two friends. I found the tag from the stuffed animal my friend gave me for Valentines – it says “chocolate-scented”. I found the random key my other friend gave me, just because she knows I like keys. After finding these tiny things among the mess, I just said to myself – “I’m glad I didn’t kill myself.”

I didn’t even really mean to say it, it just kinda came out. Of course I cried a bunch, before and after, but finding these things was a nice experience. It’s so easy to forget about them sometimes, among the horrible experiences day after day – but I love them so much. I want to keep them somewhere I can see them, like I wanna hang the receipt on my wall or something.

It’s hard, but I will keep going – for the little things like random keys gifted to me and boba receipts, even if it sounds silly.