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in a sad madness a monster exists

by afval

my mother/family effect everything I do sometimes I wish I had no family I mean I have always felt alone and all my family does is make me feel like crap . I cant stand this sad madness in my mind  I cant take it! who am I? am I this monster they say I am? am I really so horrible? I try to be good but all they do is tell me or make me feel like I’m a villain my mother is the worse contender she’s the main reason the rest of my family  think I’m so  terrible she gossips about me to the rest of the family  about how I made her life hell as a child I didn’t do it on purpose I was a kid with ADHD and dyslexia I was just being me and a kid I didn’t know how the world worked. I wasn’t trying to make her life hell I struggled in school I’m sorry! how many time can I say sorry for her to forgive my existence why am I such a monster to them Is that who I really am? I should follow in my dads footsteps and off myself he seemed to liked me, if there’s a afterlife I’d like to ask him if he did. I was a daddy’s girl apparently when I was 2 I don’t remember but from the photos I’ve seen we were bestbuds he seem to enjoy my company, probably the only one besides my stepdad. But fate played a cruel joke on me brought me someone who loved me for me and understood me I had a actual parent for the first time in my life but fate killed him in a plane crash and I was a alone again I miss him so much I really miss him why did he have to die I want to see him again I want to talk to him and if there no afterlife I just want to cease being like a candle flame extinguished poof gone

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afval 6/23/2021 - 8:04 am

this is manic…..wtf is wrong with me

elleInWi 6/23/2021 - 1:42 pm

Youre wounded and youre still healing. Youre not crazy. Part of life is experiencing loss and uncertainty etc. I strongly suggest doing an private unfiltered journal type of writing thats not online and write your real thoughts and then re read it occassionally as a way to help you process your thoughts. I noticed personally that it helps me clarify my own way of thinking and puts me at ease.

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