Suicide Sooner

Existing is so painful. I’m severely depressed and very mentally disturbed. I can’t find it in me to do anything anymore. I should be writing my chemistry notes right now to secure a passing grade on my upcoming exam, but my depressed self keeps saying “Fuck it”. I can’t even get myself to read all of those books that I was excited to read after finishing my AP exams. They’re just sitting there on my desk as reminders of how much of a pathetic time waster I am. And I tried to tell my dad about everything that’s going on but he just told me that I’m being ungrateful and that it isn’t possible to be depressed without any outside source to stimulate such a feeling. So I’m basically fucked and can’t get the treatment I need (unless I’d like to get disowned, that is). I had previously set a suicide date for August of next year, but right now I think that I want to kill myself on a way sooner date than that. Living my painful, pitiful existence is not worth seeing my brother turn 18 and finally becoming an adult or experiencing the relief of finally graduating high school or finding out how well I did on my first AP exams. I don’t care anymore. I just want to die, and I know I do because I’ve spent multiple sleepless nights thinking it over.