Countdown

Over the past three months I’ve been in the hospital, a residential program,  and now I am in an intensive therapy program, however, I find myself returning to the same emotional place.   This reminds me of a poem I read years ago about one persons descent into madness was symbolized by a raven coming back to him.   Well this is how I am now.    Each time I try to work one item to get out of this something else goes wrong.   It is like I am playing against a stacked deck.  My wife leaving me, my health taking a downturn and now my job seems uncertain .   Personally, I see no joy going forward.    I’ve been told I should accept that, go on and that “things get better” .   Well,  I’ve experienced that in two major cycles in my life already.  Yes, things got better, but then they seemed to have gotten a whole lot worse.   Thus it has to stop here.

Now I find myself looking closely at the means.   In prior posts when I talk about this, I have found that my fears of pain, terror, and my wish that no one else be put in any danger by what I do has been my stumbling block.   I also do not want to make a lame ass attempt to garner attention.   I think enough people around me have seen my pain this past year so I am not going to waste their time,  tie up ER and hospital resources for the purpose of drama.          Well,  I have a means now and am gathering the pieces so I can follow through.

Now I do see the need to clear up a couple of matters and say some goodbyes, but I do not want to signal what my plan is in the process of that.