Over the past three months I’ve been in the hospital, a residential program, and now I am in an intensive therapy program, however, I find myself returning to the same emotional place. This reminds me of a poem I read years ago about one persons descent into madness was symbolized by a raven coming back to him. Well this is how I am now. Each time I try to work one item to get out of this something else goes wrong. It is like I am playing against a stacked deck. My wife leaving me, my health taking a downturn and now my job seems uncertain . Personally, I see no joy going forward. I’ve been told I should accept that, go on and that “things get better” . Well, I’ve experienced that in two major cycles in my life already. Yes, things got better, but then they seemed to have gotten a whole lot worse. Thus it has to stop here.
Now I find myself looking closely at the means. In prior posts when I talk about this, I have found that my fears of pain, terror, and my wish that no one else be put in any danger by what I do has been my stumbling block. I also do not want to make a lame ass attempt to garner attention. I think enough people around me have seen my pain this past year so I am not going to waste their time, tie up ER and hospital resources for the purpose of drama. Well, I have a means now and am gathering the pieces so I can follow through.
Now I do see the need to clear up a couple of matters and say some goodbyes, but I do not want to signal what my plan is in the process of that.